If your marriage does not have the same goals, it is destined for failure. The husband and the wife need to have the same purpose in life or they are going two different directions. If you are Christians, your purpose is going to dramatically different from that of most of our culture. So if you have a difficult marriage and you are a Christian, it is most likely because you have different purposes.
A Godly man who complains about a contemptuous wife who does not have sex with him has his focus on the wrong things. If she is a contemptuous wife, she is proud. If she is not having sex, she is not serving and loving. The first thing I would assume, is “she is not following Christ”. She may say she’s a Christian, she may go to church regularly; but a Christian forgives, a Christian serves, a Christian does not look out for their own good. So I would say to the man, your goal isn’t to get your wife to have sex with you, your goal is to get her to choose Christ, to choose life, and God will take care of the rest in His time.
A Godly woman who complains that her husband ignores her or chooses pornography over her. Her goal isn’t to make her husband desire her more, her goal is to get him to follow Christ. Until both partners have the same purpose, the marriage won’t work. If you are a woman, you are to stay with him and keep a gentle and quiet spirit. You don’t follow him into sin, but you choose Christ and you walk with Christ. This will cause conflict, that’s why you have to be gentle, respectful and have a quiet spirit. Just the fact that you are choosing good, shines a light on his sin. It feels uncomfortable for him, so you be as attractive and kind as possible and pray that he chooses life also.
I can see clearly when I am choosing good and when I’m choosing evil. Now I slip often and fall into sin, but my direction is generally towards goodness, towards order, towards selflessness, towards servanthood, towards humility, towards Christ. When I mess up and fail, I fall forward towards Christ. I try to keep my eyes on Him, sometimes I just get lost, other times I willfully get lost.
Sometimes my direction is wrong. I looked for fun and excitement, I focused on my personal goals of success, I wanted money or beauty or worldly things, or maybe I’m just lazy and selfish. I still want those, who am I kidding? But gently Christ reminds me that the gospel and that saving people is more important than all those things. God is first or the other things become idols. And we need to be gentle with each other because learning how to follow Christ is a process and it takes a lifetime to learn and we are all in different places, so we encourage each other to continue to choose good.
Now I say all that and I still give you marriage tips to help your marriage work better. The advice I give is towards order. God guides us towards order in our lives, He is a God of order and He has a specific order in marriage that works best. Also I guide you towards humility, gentleness, and loving and respecting your spouse. And finally I try to point you towards self-discipline. That’s the advice, nothing God wouldn’t point you towards Himself. But before any of these things, the gospel has to come, your spouse’s salvation is first on the list. The point of these things isn’t to get you more attention, it’s to show your spouse Christ so they will be saved. It would be pretty easy to go watch porn with your husband, it would make him happy and it might be kind of exciting for you too. It might give you a very happy marriage and an enthusiastic husband who loves you, but that is not our goal. Your goal is to be a gentle, kind, respectful, attractive and offensive light. Your goal is to get him to love Christ more than it is to get him to love you.
She Resents His Inattention and Lack of Affection Tips for this problem using gentleness and respect instead of direct confrontation
The Gospel in 6 Minutes