This is for my friend, I am charm, whose husband has left her and their child and is off having his affair with the other woman.
The statistics for an affair actually working out are very low, I think it is less than 2% of affairs actually turn into marriages, it is most likely not going to work out between him and the other woman, and it probably won’t even last past a year. This is good news for a wife who wants her husband to return to their family. However, you have many disadvantages on your side right now to work through.
First, go to the Lord. Surround yourself with His music, prayer, and scripture. Psalms are a great place to start, there are many good verses in there about how to deal with pain and despair. Get your strength from God. Surround yourself with people who strengthen and encourage you and meet with them often. Also, just because I know you need to hear this, it is not your fault! No woman deserves to be lied to, deceived and betrayed no matter who she is. It is not your fault, but there are some things you can do to help your situation turn out for the best. You shouldn’t have to do anything, he should just come home, beg your forgiveness and treat you like a queen for the rest of your life; but life doesn’t work that way and it’s not fair but we all deal with it the best we can.
Be Mysteriously Happy
Second, and I don’t know how to explain this in a Christian way, but you can’t be honest with your husband at this time in your life. You need to hide your pain and your feelings from him. Find a friend, a counselor, or just pray for strength when you see him. When you are around him, you need to seem happy, attractive, kind, and like you don’t even think about the affair. Pretend like it doesn’t bother you because you are so far above the other woman that you can’t possibly understand why he would even bother with her, it just doesn’t make sense to you. If he is reading your blog, then you need to stop writing about your pain and find another outlet for a little while. Smile often when you are around him because smiling makes you beautiful in his eyes. You need to be mysteriously happy because that will make him curious, and him being curious makes him want to chase you and find out more.
Work Hard to Look Like the Woman He Married
Lose that weight, fix your hair like you used to, wear clothes that emphasize you have a waist. If you used to wear make-up, put it on again. If you always used to wear jeans and a t-shirt, you might want to upscale to something a little more feminine, maybe a skirt. Wear bright colors that look nice with your coloring. Go spend some money on a good bra, one that lifts the girls up high and makes them look perky again. When you are with him, make the boobs look really good, but don’t show him any cleavage, let him wonder.
Be Very Careful With Your Words
You are treading on very dangerous waters with him, he wants to escape and you can’t give him any reason to run. Don’t criticize him, don’t give him helpful advice, don’t tell him to be careful, don’t nag. Act like you have complete trust in his abilities to do things, treat him like he is an amazing father and you are so thankful that your daughter has him. Be kind to him, not too enthusiastic, but very kind.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
If he has moved out, then he doesn’t see you and if he doesn’t see you, he doesn’t think about you. This is a huge disadvantage to you, you need to have a goal to get him back under your roof, but you can’t beg him to move back in with you. You can’t even ask him to, I would somehow mention that there is an empty bed or an empty couch somewhere in the house in case he ever needs a place to stay. Say this out of kindness to him because he is your daughter’s father and not because he is your husband. If he does come home to sleep, don’t have sex with him. He is going to have to earn you back, but having him in the house makes him think about you, and gives you the ability to win your marriage back. If he doesn’t see you at all, try to cross paths with him accidentally, try to get him to see you and your daughter without looking like you are desperately chasing him down.
Make Him Feel Needed
Men who have affairs and leave, have some assurance that their wife and kid are going to be okay in their absence. He still might have a very strong need to provide and take care of you, and if you are doing okay, then he doesn’t have to do anything about it. Whatever is supporting you right now, if it’s your parents, or something else, stop using it. I don’t have a very good answer for this one, do you need babysitting, do you need money, do you need help with the plumbing? Don’t ask someone else to do it, ask your husband, let him know that you need him and are struggling without his help, and if you can get him back into your house to do it, even better. Also, if he can perceive this without you having to tell him, if he figures it out on his own that you are struggling, that is better than you having to ask for help.
Become Passionate About Something Other Than Him
You need to become interesting to him, and the best way to do this is to find something you are genuinely passionate about and pursue it. This will make you happier and it will give you something good to talk about when you are with him that is neutral to your marriage and that makes your face light up. Take up surfing or butterfly collecting, or start a club, it can really be anything. How are you gifted, pursue that. Men love to see women excited about things. I forgot that you were a photographer, use that. Send him amazing pictures of your daughter, and if you happen to slip into one, that’s okay too.
Change Your Relationship Dynamic
During your interactions, instead of making it “poor me”, “let’s fight now”, “let’s talk about our problems”, change it to something positive. Keep it light, fun, and even a little flirty. Admire him subtly, keep a spark of sexual interest in your eye for him. Let him know subtly that you desire him, and think he is amazing without overdoing it. Make him want to chase you and know that it is a possibility.
I know this advice isn’t fun and it isn’t fair and it’s not how marriage is supposed to be. Go to God for your strength now, He can provide for all of your needs. God bless you in your endeavors. You are a beautiful woman, you are valuable and worthy of love. God has made you just the way He wanted to, He crafted you as a work of art, trust Him, and follow His will.
Don’t Date Other Men
This is a common error that many women make and it backfires on them. Dating other men will not make him jealous, it will make him angry or want to seek revenge, it will bring out his competitive nature against you instead of for you. If you choose to date someone else, then make sure you are completely done with your husband. If you want him back, he must still see you as hiswoman and not another man’s.
Do NOT Sleep With Him!!!!!
He does not get to sleep with two women at the same time, you are worth more than that. Sex is your most powerful holding card. Do not give it up until he has stopped seeing her, promised to never have contact with her, has promised to work on your marriage, is willing to go to counseling and has promised to never have an affair again, and apologized. If you’ve already given it up, stop doing it immediately.
Do these things because they are wise, but don’t put your hope in them or in yourself; only put your hope in Christ, He is the ONLY way.
- “Was it really love?” (recoveringwayward.wordpress.com) The thoughts of a man who cheated but is now back with his wife and working on his marriage, tough to read but real and authentic.
- The Blessing (A Holy Experience) I love this story about how a woman handled her husband’s cheating ways, somehow it mixes justice, mercy, and love in the perfect way. Sometimes it takes years of patience, but God answers our prayers in some amazing ways.