This is for my friend, I am charm, whose husband has left her and their child and is off having his affair with the other woman.
The statistics for an affair actually working out are very low, I think it is less than 2% of affairs actually turn into marriages, it is most likely not going to work out between him and the other woman, and it probably won’t even last past a year. This is good news for a wife who wants her husband to return to their family. However, you have many disadvantages on your side right now to work through.
First, go to the Lord. Surround yourself with His music, prayer, and scripture. Psalms are a great place to start, there are many good verses in there about how to deal with pain and despair. Get your strength from God. Surround yourself with people who strengthen and encourage you and meet with them often. Also, just because I know you need to hear this, it is not your fault! No woman deserves to be lied to, deceived and betrayed no matter who she is. It is not your fault, but there are some things you can do to help your situation turn out for the best. You shouldn’t have to do anything, he should just come home, beg your forgiveness and treat you like a queen for the rest of your life; but life doesn’t work that way and it’s not fair but we all deal with it the best we can.
Be Mysteriously Happy
Second, and I don’t know how to explain this in a Christian way, but you can’t be honest with your husband at this time in your life. You need to hide your pain and your feelings from him. Find a friend, a counselor, or just pray for strength when you see him. When you are around him, you need to seem happy, attractive, kind, and like you don’t even think about the affair. Pretend like it doesn’t bother you because you are so far above the other woman that you can’t possibly understand why he would even bother with her, it just doesn’t make sense to you. If he is reading your blog, then you need to stop writing about your pain and find another outlet for a little while. Smile often when you are around him because smiling makes you beautiful in his eyes. You need to be mysteriously happy because that will make him curious, and him being curious makes him want to chase you and find out more.
Work Hard to Look Like the Woman He Married
Lose that weight, fix your hair like you used to, wear clothes that emphasize you have a waist. If you used to wear make-up, put it on again. If you always used to wear jeans and a t-shirt, you might want to upscale to something a little more feminine, maybe a skirt. Wear bright colors that look nice with your coloring. Go spend some money on a good bra, one that lifts the girls up high and makes them look perky again. When you are with him, make the boobs look really good, but don’t show him any cleavage, let him wonder.
Be Very Careful With Your Words
You are treading on very dangerous waters with him, he wants to escape and you can’t give him any reason to run. Don’t criticize him, don’t give him helpful advice, don’t tell him to be careful, don’t nag. Act like you have complete trust in his abilities to do things, treat him like he is an amazing father and you are so thankful that your daughter has him. Be kind to him, not too enthusiastic, but very kind.
Out of Sight, Out of Mind
If he has moved out, then he doesn’t see you and if he doesn’t see you, he doesn’t think about you. This is a huge disadvantage to you, you need to have a goal to get him back under your roof, but you can’t beg him to move back in with you. You can’t even ask him to, I would somehow mention that there is an empty bed or an empty couch somewhere in the house in case he ever needs a place to stay. Say this out of kindness to him because he is your daughter’s father and not because he is your husband. If he does come home to sleep, don’t have sex with him. He is going to have to earn you back, but having him in the house makes him think about you, and gives you the ability to win your marriage back. If he doesn’t see you at all, try to cross paths with him accidentally, try to get him to see you and your daughter without looking like you are desperately chasing him down.
Make Him Feel Needed
Men who have affairs and leave, have some assurance that their wife and kid are going to be okay in their absence. He still might have a very strong need to provide and take care of you, and if you are doing okay, then he doesn’t have to do anything about it. Whatever is supporting you right now, if it’s your parents, or something else, stop using it. I don’t have a very good answer for this one, do you need babysitting, do you need money, do you need help with the plumbing? Don’t ask someone else to do it, ask your husband, let him know that you need him and are struggling without his help, and if you can get him back into your house to do it, even better. Also, if he can perceive this without you having to tell him, if he figures it out on his own that you are struggling, that is better than you having to ask for help.
Become Passionate About Something Other Than Him
You need to become interesting to him, and the best way to do this is to find something you are genuinely passionate about and pursue it. This will make you happier and it will give you something good to talk about when you are with him that is neutral to your marriage and that makes your face light up. Take up surfing or butterfly collecting, or start a club, it can really be anything. How are you gifted, pursue that. Men love to see women excited about things. I forgot that you were a photographer, use that. Send him amazing pictures of your daughter, and if you happen to slip into one, that’s okay too.
Change Your Relationship Dynamic
During your interactions, instead of making it “poor me”, “let’s fight now”, “let’s talk about our problems”, change it to something positive. Keep it light, fun, and even a little flirty. Admire him subtly, keep a spark of sexual interest in your eye for him. Let him know subtly that you desire him, and think he is amazing without overdoing it. Make him want to chase you and know that it is a possibility.
I know this advice isn’t fun and it isn’t fair and it’s not how marriage is supposed to be. Go to God for your strength now, He can provide for all of your needs. God bless you in your endeavors. You are a beautiful woman, you are valuable and worthy of love. God has made you just the way He wanted to, He crafted you as a work of art, trust Him, and follow His will.
(afterthoughts)
Don’t Date Other Men
This is a common error that many women make and it backfires on them. Dating other men will not make him jealous, it will make him angry or want to seek revenge, it will bring out his competitive nature against you instead of for you. If you choose to date someone else, then make sure you are completely done with your husband. If you want him back, he must still see you as hiswoman and not another man’s.
Do NOT Sleep With Him!!!!!
He does not get to sleep with two women at the same time, you are worth more than that. Sex is your most powerful holding card. Do not give it up until he has stopped seeing her, promised to never have contact with her, has promised to work on your marriage, is willing to go to counseling and has promised to never have an affair again, and apologized. If you’ve already given it up, stop doing it immediately.
Do these things because they are wise, but don’t put your hope in them or in yourself; only put your hope in Christ, He is the ONLY way.
Related articles
- “Was it really love?” (recoveringwayward.wordpress.com) The thoughts of a man who cheated but is now back with his wife and working on his marriage, tough to read but real and authentic.
- The Blessing (A Holy Experience) I love this story about how a woman handled her husband’s cheating ways, somehow it mixes justice, mercy, and love in the perfect way. Sometimes it takes years of patience, but God answers our prayers in some amazing ways.
Tagged: Adultery, Affair, cheating, Christian, Christian Marriage, Husband, Marriage, Relationships, Wife
Do you mins if I add a thought for this hurting woman and others like her.
I received so much peace, freedom, and strength from one simple truth given by a godly counselor.
No matter what is happening in your husbands life (his sin, misery, success, seeming immunity from consequencea of sin) you can “be okay.” I dont mean that the pain disappears completely, or that life magically gets easier, but that God wants to and can sustain you. His heart is grieving because of your pain, and his heart justly angered by the sin that has devistated your life and his glorious work.
Believe with all your heart he can perform a miracle in your heart and life. Turn your focua toward him. Set your eyea, love, and expectation upon him. Allow him to purify, cleanse, heal, ans renew you.
The most amazing work the Lord preformed through my husbands moral failures wasn’t my husband’s transformation but mine! Be willing to hear Him as he whispers “here are your sins my daughter.” Don’t worry that your husband is getting off Scott free. Remember he is the Lord God Almighty, capable of singularly and personally working in the lives of every human on the face of the earth, without breaking a sweat.
My prayers are with you and the thousands of other hurting wives all around the world!
How can I get him to see me if he refuses to see me?
Right now your greatest need isn’t for him to see you, but rather for Him to “See God.” Seeing you will not change him. Your husband’s major sin/problem isn’t that he does not see, appreciate, love, respect, remain faithful…. to you (these are all the result of the deeper root issue) but that he is not loving, obeying, honoring, submitting… to God.
A man/woman not walking faithfully with the Lord can not live faithfully with his/her spouse. My ability to love and forgive, submit and serve my husband does not stem from his faithfulness and love to me. If my husbands “works” were the success for mine we would be dismal failures. I am able and free to love him, because my life has been radically transformed by the grace and love God has showed me.
Jesus said himself what is it if you love, help, serve those who do the same for you. True love was when Jesus laid down his life for those who not only did none of these, but far worse. When you love and forgive those who wrong and hurt you, God is glorified and exalted.
Your Husband truly seeing God as He truly lives is what will transform Him. To understand the wrath, righteousness and especially the mercy and Grace of God is what transforms us/him.
If your husband is walking in blatant sin, I don’t believe your focus should be to win him back. I think your eyes and heart should be on pursuing healing and strength for yourself. Your church should be involved, church discipline used, and him turned over to the Lord for chastisement. Let God “win him over” and when that happens he can then work on winning you back : )
Yes you have to be amiable, respectful… but it seems this is the point in the journey when you step back and let God take over. Do you trust He is bigger than the sins, hurts, issues that stand between you and healing and restoration? No matter what happens in your marriage, He means for you to be “Okay!” Trust Him and throw the burden off your shoulders. Give it all to Him, and do what you need to heal, support yourself, and go on. (A Godly, Biblical based councilor is a key too!!!)
Love that advice waterthecamels, it definitely needed to be added!
I forgot to say pray, pray for your husband. He is being told some powerful lies by Satan and could use all the help you can give him.
When I think of my own life, I think prayer, not sex was my most powerful card. I didn’t have any hope, and God came through for me when there was no possible answer. I listened and obeyed God and was humbled and told to fight for my husband no matter how awful I felt. God might have a different answer for you, listen to Him, draw near to Him and He will guide you.
It always breaks my heart that women who have been trusting and faithful in their marriages must work to “win back” an unfaithful husband. By all rights, the betrayer should be on his knees begging for forgiveness and doing everything in his power to win back his loving wife. But unfortunately it doesn’t work that way, at least not at first. Eventually, when he opens his eyes and realizes the truth, his attitude will change. But in the meantime, the bottom line is that if you want to save your marriage you have to do what is necessary to make that happen, even when it is unfair, even when it is hard, even when it hurts. Be strong.
I agree, it doesn’t seem fair; but then, life rarely is.
Great advice, Sis! I pray for all the women who have had to deal with this. My mom did for years. She never “won” my dad over; he simply walked out and never looked back. I pray that isn’t the case for other women.
I would like to speak on behalf of the children though… Don’t forget the kids. During this time, things are going to be very tough on them. Keep that in mind and do your best to keep life moving. Don’t bash the dad, remind them he loves them, and keep them in prayer. This effects them too!
How could I forget the kids? (head thump) That is wonderful advice, thanks for sharing.
Any time! I only remember because the kid was ME. Great post!!
that had to be tough.
Still is at times. When I said he never looked back, I meant it. I haven’t seen him since I was nine (by his choosing) and haven’t talked to him in about a year. Not a relationship I recommend. It affected my life in more ways than you would think.
My parents are still together but they fight all the time and really don’t like each other. I still think that is better than a divorce though. I’m sorry your dad wasn’t around for you, that really sucks.
I agree, I think most kids would rather their parents be together and fighting, than separated. Sorry to hear it though.
It’s true – but I guess one has to swallow one’s pride if someone wants to win a wayward spouse back, at least to some degree. You can either pursue justice (“he cheated! He can crawl back to me!”) — and end up without him. Or you can try to figure out what went wrong in the marriage and see whether it can be fixed.
However, I think that you can’t really win someone back as long as they are with someone else. Healing and forgiveness cannot occur while an affair is still active. I would say in this case, the chances of this woman winning the husband back are slim. He left for a reason. He’s with someone else for a reason.
It happens, but not often.
It’s sad how bad the statistics are for a marriage to recover, especially if he’s moved out already.
Such wonderful encouragement Rosemary, I’m anxious to check out your site now.
There’s a lot of good advice there.
Thanks!
Beautifully written. This is such a hard topic. Wonderful advice…praying for I am Charm.
I said a prayer for her husband today also.
thank you all.
Sis, funny, the other day he said to me that i looked strong and not faltering. it’s been weeks since i last cried. funny thing, i feel overwhelm to see how strong i can be. when we left and moved to a new home, i felt freedom. scared but i feel blessed.
thank you Sis. Thank all for the prayers.
although we see each other because of our daughter, i think he needs to find his stability first and doing nothing is something i can do to help him. he needs to find himself on his own.
thanks again!
I’m glad you are doing better. God bless you and your daughter today. I hope your husband humbles himself and finds God.
Wait, let me get this straight: I spent almost 30 years dealing with a hateful, self-centered, negative man with Post traumatic stress who refused to get treatment. I dealt with his mistreatment of our children, his neglect of them and myself, his porn, his chat room romps, his phone sex adventures, all which at away at my soul year after year because I had said for better or for worse. I followed stupid advice like yours and instead of turning it on him turned it in on myself: 100 extra pounds and years of depression worth! And now, now that he had gone so far as to have an emotional and physical affair with his best friend’s wife and thrown me into the deepest, darkest hurt in my like (which speaks volumes since I was molested as a child), you want me to plaster a smile on my face and lose that weight because it’s all my fault? I have lived with the aftermath of his affair for almost 2 years now. I haven’t had a happy moment since. And I should get keep stuffing it and run after him? Lady, and this is as nice as I can put it, SHOVE IT!
Only you get to decide if he’s worth fighting for. Sounds like you should have quit a long time ago.
I see an interesting paradox at work when wives believe their husbands are such lost causes. It appears that the husband has lowered the bar so much (in the eyes of a wife) that she then sees herself exempt from self examination.
I officially suck as a marriage helper and now I see why. Thanks for the great advice Robyn, you are great at seeing past words.
LOL @ Sis, you don’t suck at it. I’ve been married over 25 years and I gleen lots and lots from your site. And I am filled with gratitude that Jesus did tell God to shove it – when He looked at me because baby, I had MY bar so low it was lying beneath the ground! Trouble was, I was so busy concentrating on the level of my husband’s … it took me years to see that mine was actually lower than his!
25 years, that’s impressive! MY bar has been a little low at times too.
“I spent almost 30 years dealing with a hateful, self-centered, negative man with Post traumatic stress who refused to get treatment. I dealt with his mistreatment of our children, his neglect of them and myself, his porn, his chat room romps, his phone sex adventures, all which at away at my soul year after year because I had said for better or for worse…..And now, now that he had gone so far as to have an emotional and physical affair with his best friend’s wife and thrown me into the deepest, darkest hurt in my like (I assume she means life)….. I have lived with the aftermath of his affair for almost 2 years now.
I haven’t had a happy moment since.”
A thought here. Perhaps her history as a molested child and the feelings of worthlessness that MAY have created caused her to “seek” out a man like him to marry. He may have somehow duped her by making her feel desirable, as opposed to lusted after. His attention may have helped her to feel wanted and needed as opposed to worthless. I am not saying she became emotionally healthy, only that he preyed upon her weakened spirit and used those weaknesses to trap her into a relationship with him when no other woman would have him. No doubt he relished the control and power he could exercise over her in her willing state of brokenness. My understanding and great sadness for her fragile state helps me to have compassion for her in her very bitter state; however, I cannot allow her to discount your credibility, based on anecdotal and experiential knowledge, while devaluing your advice.
She has done an excellent job of not accepting her part in this tragic drama. I have no doubt she is also riddled with guilt over how she let him ruin the childhoods her children should have had as well as being denied a caring father. I would also speculate the added weight was a subconscious mechanism to ward off sexual advances from him once she found him emotionally void and undesirable as someone she wanted touching her precious body that was to be her gift to him. Worse, she may have been turned off by sex because of her history and the weight was a device to hold him a bay oftentimes. Either way, she had a part to play in all of this. She now lives with the guilt of not acting when she should have for herself and her children and the bitterness of a loveless marriage which only exacerbated the damage cause by her molestation.
If she would stop and think with a clear head unclouded by self-pity, she would realize her happiness can begin HERE and NOW. He is gone. He can now only abuse her and her children from a distance. They do not have to live with abuse and fear daily. She can now seek out therapy for herself as should they all. The childhood endured has no doubt affected their adult lives and their ability to be nurturing and caring parents. She needs to step back and look at her part in all this ugliness and begin the change and healing she very desperately needs. If she does not. she will repeat this relationship cycle with another abuser and continue a very tragic life. The ball is in her court. It always has been in spite of her doubtless constant denials otherwise. Her history deceived her into feeling powerless to control her own body, and subsequently her life. Unsurprisingly she bought into that deception. I would suspect she has denied the eternal and ever-present help and healing of God and Christ also.
Her continuing denial is evidenced by her final sentence:
“Lady, and this is as nice as I can put it, SHOVE IT!” This misplaced sentiment is so dead on to what she really needs to say……..TO HIM.
It is about 30 years too late, but in this case as many, better late than never.
Sis, my sweet internet daughter, I hope you are way past the feelings of inadequacy this may have wrongly engendered. This old man assures you that your counsel is not only edifying but often wise. Only one person was all things to all people and we still reject much of His counsel which was unquestionably infallible.
Dan
You know what made me look at my own bar? My Pharisee hat was getting a little too snug on my judgmental head – it was squishing my brains! I kept going to God in ‘prayer’ with my finger pointed at my husband’s bar; imagine my surprise when I felt my own bar laced across my beeehind – aka, a lesson in humility.
Wow… um… if a husband is so callous as to leave his wife and have an affair, why on earth is she trying to “win him back?”
Get a divorce and move on with your life! Show some SELF RESPECT and don’t grovel, or think for a minute that he’s the only man on earth or your only chance at love. He’s not!!!
I am currently going through this situation now. It is a tough road and I feel like breaking down everyday. I read some of the text to the other woman and listened to conversations and he tells her he loves her and misses her. I am completely devestated. He is living at home and we have two girls and it hurts to see him leave to her house and leave us behind. I want to run up to him and hold him back and ask ‘what are you doing’, but I can’t. I do sleep with him and per your advise I will stop that right away. I just feel that I will lose him more if I don’t give him what he wants. This has been going on for two months now…..help!
Hi Liz, the best advice I’ve gotten was to stop holding on to my husband and to start running towards God. Prayers for you and I’m sorry you are going through this. If you need any advice or help, I’m here, just ask away. Also, I recommend this website
http://wwnh.wordpress.com/2010/03/04/851-%E2%80%94-cheater-returns/
His stuff works, go to his contents page and read all of his blogs on affairs or cheating.
I’m going through a horrible time. My husband left me for another woman even that he does not admit it. He said that it was over before he met her. we’ve been together for 11 years before we married and it happened 3 short months after we did. its been 5 months now and hes so public with her, some might even say hes in love…. he said he loves me but it will never work between us. the hard part is that he doesnt want to see me so i cant show him any effort. i did all the mistakes i shouldnt after the break up, i called, i cried i begged….. we went to therapy but it didnt help… he said i can decide whether i want a divorce or not, that he doesnt mind either ways. last thing he said to me was maybe one day we will get back together but if that day will ever come we will have to re-marry because this union was doomed since the begging (we only got married to please my mother, alone, with nobody, not even his parents)
you look more wise then i am, do you have any advice on what i should do?
You have to let him go, he’s not allowed to have two women, you’re worth more than that.
Your Highness Sis,
You’ve posted a beautiful map (men like maps) of perfect detail on how a woman can recover when faced with a cheater. Every keystroke holds accuracy to destroy bewilderment in victims.
Thanks, Sis, for suggesting WhatWomenNever Hear. I shall hotlink yours unless I hear otherwise.
Sincerely,
A. Guy Maligned
That would be a gift of highest honor for me. You’ve just made my day.
I am struggling with the same things alot of you have gone through. I have already done so many of the things that your advice speaks against already. I found out about the affair officially on November 19th, but he has been having the affair since September. We had been having marital issues way before this, and I made alot of mistakes in the past 2 years and we both had kind of stopped trying, but I never wanted him to leave me. We have been married for 9 years. I am 31 and he will be 30 in April, and the girl he is seeing is 19. It scares me because that is the age I was when we first met. HE is still staying at home with me and our 2 children, but leaves every night to go be with her at her parents house since she is too young to have her own place and he can’t afford to have his own place as he says that he wishes he could have. I have said some horrible things to him, but have apologized because it was out of anger and pain that I said them, but I continue to cry in front of him everyday and rarely ever smile and pretty much have been chasing him and having sex with him because I thought it would make him see that I’m willing to do anything to make it work. I have been going back to church regularly since this all started and praying and reading my bible almost everyday faithfully, but I know that I need to follow his advice and the advice you guys are sharing. I just don’t know what to do because it just scares me that he is always texting her and goes and sleeps in her bed and is getting comfortable with that life. What should I do?
Your man has both a wife and a mistress, he’s happy and doesn’t need to change. Stop having sex with him and explain to him that he can’t have both of you, he must choose. Then be a cheerful happy mysterious woman with your own passions, pull away from him a little, don’t cater to his needs so much. Wait patiently for him and after he chooses, make him court you, make him prove himself to be worthy again and don’t give him sex until you both renew your vows and it was his idea to do so.
Thank you. It’s just hard to pretend that him calling her all the time or texting her all the time means more to him right now than I do and I don’t feeling like number 2 to any girl ya know Do you think that I have already done too much damage already? Or do you think still following all the steps written above can still work?
He’s still with you so that’s a good sign, a better question to ask yourself might be “is he worth it? You’ve got a long road ahead of you of healing and pain and a guy who isn’t very devoted…his infidelity is a good reason to divorce, Think and pray about that a long time, even if he does choose you, you still get to decide whether to keep him or not.
I am truly in love with him and only want to be with him always and forever so I know it’s a long hard road but I’m willing to fight for him no matter what. I just wish it would matter what he is doing to our children and to me right now. And I guess what worries me is how can he truly ever be able to focus his mind and thoughts on what it is that he wants when he goes from our home to her every night ya know. No one can truly think clearly when that is happening but we don’t have the financial means to have him stay on his own right now or ever probally. And I truly only think he is here because he can’t afford a place of his own or else I don’t believe that he would be. So I really don’t know where to go from here or how to feel? My family has all turned against him but it’s not about them it is only about me, the kids and him and I hope they will understand that in time. I know what God is telling me to do is to let him go to make his own choices but I continue to treat him and do everything for him that I had lacked in for a while because of my own selfishness and his lack of attention. So should I just start by asking him to babysit our children while I go to church because I really need him to help with that and don’t want to go to my parents for that. And like he barely says too much too me and really wants us to act like when he is here that nothing else is going on but that has been my biggest battle truly because I bring everything up as quick as I can everyday to let him know how much pain he has caused all of us and then use sex as my pleasure for him. But I am cutting that off now because I do only want him to look at me as his wife and way more valuable and priceless than sex or what she is to him. It’s like he is chasing after his youth and the past and he has never been super supportive or attentive but there have been really good times where he has been such a great man and husband but he has always been very immature and I kind of enabled and mothered him throughout the years because that was in my nature and he never had a mom or dad that loved him and he really seems to like her mom and dad because I”m sure that has alot ot do with him never having that growing up, so I”m just so scared of losing him but I know for right now I already have in some ways. But like tonite I lied and told him I”m going out with some girlfriends and he definitely asked me if I was still going out tonite so that in some ways shows me that he cares in some sense if you think so? It’s just like how can I let someone go that I love so much and just believe that he can come back the right man for his kids and for me and not just the same man but a better man to be the strength and man of the house that he needs to be and give us a truly happier life together for all 4 of us?
I read your post and is like I wrote it. I’m going thru the same exact thing. I used to beg him, cry to him, threat him… All these things only pushed him farther away. Now I pray to God every time I go in the house and he is there and act like I’m ok and happy. He goes every other weekend to her, they text each other every day and talk. This is very difficult to me, we have 2 kids and I’m expecting another one in a few weeks. I love him despite all this, and I forgive him already for what he has done. He seems more comfortable around me now, we laugh and joke around and he stays around in the kitchen while I cook. But he still on the same idea of divorcing. I just go with it and don’t fight it. Will see the outcome. I pray to god to please help thru this.
I think asking him to babysit is a great idea, just no sad eyes while you do it. All things are possible with God and it is your hopes for the future that are going to help the two of you pull through this. Right now it is just a waiting game and you need to go to God and find outside help to to talk through your feelings. God bless, I’m here for you. This is not your fault and you are delighted in and loved deeply by God. give Him your burdens and let Him carry you through this.
That is my hardest part I did a little better today before he left for the Ravens game with putting a smile on my face and he was more receptive back and was flirting with me with me not doing anything so that was positive, but he called after he left because his friend was going to stop by to grab something that he left for him and I sounded sad on the phone because I don’t want him to think I”m happy for him that he is taking her out to dinner to watch the game when I want that to be me, so I probally didn’t handle the call as good I wish I could. How do I make him see me as being happy without him thinking that I’m moving on? Or okay without him because the kids and I aren’t at all without him?I definitely need to work on my relationship with God the most right now because he definitely used the devil’s work and used it to work in my life and give me a huge wake up call that neither one of us were living are lives right and it is working in my life right now. Because I made a huge mistake from my selfishness and depression and really put a wedge between our marriage by breaking his trust for me and his heart for the mistakes that I made but I have truly put that all behind me and feel like I”m fighting for my children and my life right now. I know God can perform miracles everyday all day, my husband is not a christian though and never has wanted to be a part of the church other than the occasional times he would go for our children’s events at church. I guess I just want to know how to handle and deal with every night when he leaves to be with her? Or again should i just continue working on the steps above and continue following the most important one of all which is giving it to God because he is the only one that can truly fight the devil and fight against my husband, her , and her family? And I have prayed everyday to send her a barren womb so she cannot have children with my husband because that would destroy my children and me and I’m not sure how I could ever truly trust him again. So I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers and really appreciate that you have this website available, because I felt so alone and thought that i must be crazy to want my marriage to work if he has done this but I never felt that way just the opposite as I have now seen so many of us do all want the same things. I guess when I found out I said alot of things out of anger towards him but realized this is still the man I have always loved and I would never have married him or had children with him if I didn’t believe in him and know that he is worth fighting for and if I didn’t think it would be for life.
And how do I not think about him hanging out with her brothers and family because that’s what he is doing today? I just need to know how to put this out of my mind for right now because I don’t want this to be a constant reminder in my life when I am with him even when right now I just want to cry and call him and ask him why he is doing this and how he can be such a hypocrite and so fake? I need to figure out how to channel my pain and anger for what he is doing right now with her when all I have wanted is for him to take me out on dates and spend time with me and he won’t even try to do that while he is in this infatuation but hanging out with her family is taking it to a whole new level for me of pain and anger when he has his own family that he is hurting.
You’ve got to figure out how to let him go and see if he comes back. Mentally and physically let him go. The thoughts and pain are very difficult to deal with, find someone to help you let it out, who will listen to you…a woman! He’s not coming back until you’ve let him go and he will probably test you, don’t fall.
Do things that will distract you and make you feel good about yourself until the pain lessens, go shopping, get a manicure, get coffee, you don’t have to actually buy anything, just get out and don’t be alone. Ask him to take the kids or watch the kids so you can have time to deal and recover by yourself. Find someone close who can care for the kids when you need help, but do something just for fun every day, that’s an order.
When you are alone play Christian music, read the bible, pray. The intense bouts of grief only last an hour or two at first then they go away until the next day somwhen you’re in the middle of one remind yourself that it will be over soon. As time passes they get shorter and less frequent. It will get better!
One more thing, don’t believe his words of love, charm is deceitful, only believe his actions and assume everything he says is a lie….only believe what he does. He needs to end his other relationship.
I know he has said so many different things since I found out about the affair some very hurtful and some very nice but I know he doesn’t truly know if he wants to make our marriage work because I think he believes that if he still tells me he loves me and wants to make our marriage work that his days of having sex with her are over and he is absolutely right and I know that’s why he doesn’t stay here at night because he doesn’t want the full financial responsibility of paying all the bills since I’m unemployed right now and he lets just face facts is enjoying having sex with someone a whole lot younger and willing to give it up to a married man, I guess my disgust is with her as well since she knows he was married with children since the first night they met so when I pray my prayers to God it is to fight against both of them and her family since I can’t fight them all and win alone only God can do this. You are absolutely right with everything you have said and actions always speak louder than words and will always show me the truth. I know he has it all so why would he want to give it up. So I will definitely follow the steps and I am truly working on finding a job first right now because that always made me feel worth something and proud because being without a job has taken a toll on my self esteem big time. Yes I do have to let him go in the other ways though and just treat him like my husband but not continue to actually do all the things that I would normally do for him and especially how above and beyond I have gone now. How do I make him see what he is missing if I stop doing any of the wifely things that I have again started to do since I found out about the affair? Sorry so many questions.
Sorry one more question. So since he is still going to be here everyday how do I let him go? By following all the steps above and just take baby steps? I just want to figure out how to make it so I don’t lose him permanently because I do not wish this ever.
You make him see what he is missing by looking gorgeous every day, the works, make-up, heels, skirt, modest top, and push-up bra, happy face, lose weight if you need to…then you make sure he knows you want him but you’re off limits to him until he gives her up.
You let him go by being physically unavailable, sleep in different beds, not caring what he does.
Thanks I appreciate it. He sleeps in her bed every night for now because of things I said when I first found out and because he said he wasn’t ready to give her up so he leaves with her every day. I just thought I was crazy with this situation. Thank you. I know I only need to turn to God,my grandma for guidance .and your advice because she went through alot with her marriage and she is the best Christian I know, and others have given me terrible advice I know out of love but not good advice at all because it would surely lead to a divorce that I definitely don’t want. Thanks again for all the advice and for having this page for me to go too and for every other woman like us. Thank you so much
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God bless and come back soon!
Your Highness Delightful (or is it Sis or both?),
I got a stack of email from you. They appear to be comments from Anonymous on your post ‘How To Win Him Back From The Other Woman’. Did you send them purposely? Did you want me to do something?
I’m unfamiliar with the method of exchanging info as you’ve done, so you’ll have to coach me on what you expect. All my email arrives the next day, so anticipate delay.
Anonymous has enormous problems because, as you know, she’s doing too many wrong things. Your advice is sound but she remains self-untutored. She grasps for the wrong straws and keeps him winning while her ability to ever win dwindles. She needs to shift to the modern military strategy, Shock and Awe. Perhaps she can find the way to do it in ten of my articles titled with ‘Cheater’ and ten others titled with ‘Adolescent’ as the first word in the CONTENTS page at http://www.wwnh.wordpress.com.
I the meantime, I’ll hold your emails for reference.
Cordially,
A. Guy Maligned
What should I do A. Guy Maligned?
Start here http://wwnh.wordpress.com/contents-5/. And read everything he’s got with the word cheater in it. Trust him, he knows what he’s talking about and if you don’t believe watch closely to how your husband responds for proof. Much of his stuff is based on Proverbs I’ve discovered. ask him lots of questions.
Thank you so much.
I love what you had to say. Frankly, it is good advice to practice BEFORE an affair occurs- except for the no sex part, of course. Thank you for being so frank and honest.
I’m glad you liked it. Thanks for the follow!
Why would you want to win him back? If he cheated then obviously he was willing to lose you in the first place. Do you realize that 99% of men who find out their wives cheated leave because they know if they loved them they would not have cheated in the first place. Why are woman so easy to forgive and forget, is it low-self esteem, the need for a man in your life regardless of his indiscretions? It’s sad.
Because I have a God who says to love mercy and to forgive 70 times 7. I don’t need to fear my husband not protecting or not loving me because I have a God who provides for ALL of my needs. I forgive because I trust my God and He forgave me.
This is very inspiring. I’m just so heartbroken. I love my husband so much but he is involved in an affair. Sis. I sent u an email about a day or so. Maybe it went to ur spam folder. Is coming from “broken heart”
I simply love this article ..I will cherish it all the days of my broken marrage
I am going through this currently but I made the mistake of telling him I was flying to go see another man and it made this worst. Before I left it almost felt like old times (minus his girlfriend), we laughed more than argued and it was a pleasant time in the mist of destruction. But I pray for the strength from God & I will start over again, cooking cleaning, looking good, NO TEARS, or nagging just having good times together and I pray that it works. I don’t want to see my 10year relationship or 4years of marriage be thrown away.
plan to make lots of mistakes, just forget about them and keep moving forward. It’s the war you want to win, not the little battles.
hi my name is crystal i love my boyfriend but am going my best
Hi, I am currently in a similar situation. My husband of 19 years left me for a woman he has known for 30 days. He moved out and got an apartment with her. I still love him and want to save my marriage but don’t know if its even possible. We had a good marriage, just purchased a house and there were no sign of trouble! Any suggestions or feedback would be appreciated. Thanks
Hi Kim, you must be devastated. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Pray hard and go to God for guidance, above me or anyone else. This is what I think the best strategy for you is….you must not beg or try to convince him to come back. Then when you do see him, use shock and awe. You are shocked that he would do this (no blaming of him, no self-deprecation), you can’t believe he would give you and your family up. The next part is awe, you need to dramatically change yourself. Become confident, pretty, kind and happy….he needs to be in awe of how amazing you suddenly are. I hope this helps, praying for you.
I am devastated. I have done nothing but pray to God to restore our marriage and I continue to do so. I am not begging or becoming the crazy ex. The few times he has come to visit the kids, I am well dressed and have started using makeup again to change the way I look. It’s just very hard rationalizing why he would do something like this. Thank you for your response and prayers.
It would be good for you to find a counselor or a close friend who will let you pour yourself out to them while they encourage you and give you some strength. Reach out for help somewhere. Also, to avoid depression go somewhere or do something fun every day.
Kim, this one’s for you, may you find strength and wholeness again.
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/03/letters-to-the-wounded-2
So, how often do these tactics actually work?
11 month after D day.. Everything still feels raw, and the mood swings send my head into a spin. Also, going through a frightening mid-life crisis. Our three children are growing up, 6, 11 and 13, lost our family dog, and our marriage fell apart. His affair is over but he is silent over things, and I am hurt all the time. It could be a good day that would turn totally upside down by a song on the radio, a feeling or an image in my head, and send me spinning. Everything is different.. Also, he cut off ties with his family bc they were trying to talk sense into him, and telling stuff about her that he did not want to hear. The kids’ birthdays, Christmas and all holidays are lonely and confusing bc I need to chose between him or the rest of the family. It is isolating and so sad.. very lonely and confusing a friend of mine introduce me to AJAGBOTEMPLE he was the man that help me bring back my husband what easy can i have done without he,contact he today if you are passing through hell in your relationship.Email he at ajagbotemple@gmail.com…
[...] How To Win Him Back From The Other Woman [...]
Wow! Really nice post and true too.
thank you!
Hello I am going through the same thing but mine is an emotional affair right now. He doesn’t see it he tells me they are just friends. But he ignores me and doesn’t know if he wants to be married. We been together almost 11 years. She knows about me because I asked her stop. We also sleep in separate rooms but I have made the mistake of still having sex with him. I feel this is the only way to hold onto him. But I don’t feel respected at all. I love him dearly and he never used to be like this. Yes we had problems before this but I am one that doesn’t run away from them. It’s like he is I. Another reality. I am trying to win him back but I don’t think I am doing it the right way. I don’t want to lose him. What were those articles about cheating from mr guy aligned.
http://wwnh.wordpress.com/2013/01/25/1791-sex-difference-redux-part-45-cheater-returns-i/.
I’m not sure these apply on your situation, I’ll try to find some better advice for you.
Just re-read your comment. You are not yet married? Walk away, walk away from the cheater and don’t look back, he’s not even worth an ultimatum. This is a huge red warning to you of future troubles, pay attention. In the future, don’t sleep with men until you’ve said your vows, it helps ensure devotion during the wedding. wwnh has many posts for unmarried women who are dating.
We are married been for 11 years and have four children.
this changes everything, sorry for my mistake. It’s sounds like you two are having a rough time. I hesitate to tell you to give him an ultimatum because he just might choose her, but an ultimatum will gain you respect. That’s going to have to be your choice. Most people would tell you to give him an ultimatum.
Either way, you need to work towards awe, or towards improving yourself. You can change the way you dress, wear high heels more often, pretty underwear, push-up bras. Dress attractively, dress feminine because feminine attracts the masculine. Do your hair also. Try to look as close to the woman he married as possible.
Next, be pleasant and encouraging. Give him respect as often as possible, he craves this and if it comes from you then he is drawn to you. Keep your home peaceful and neat. I wouldn’t cut off sex because of an emotional affair, let him know you’re interested and desire him. Best of luck, you’ve got a tough road ahead.
I was reading some of the articles. What is the shock and awe action? How do I do that?
Be completely shocked he would do something like this/choose someone else, then blast him away with how much you’ve suddenly changed. He is in awe of the new you. Be prettier, skinnier, kinder, well put-together (sexier isn’t a part of this, in fact he recommends to wait a long time before you have sex with him after an affair because him working to win you back will increase his future devotion.
I am struggling with my life, stress out and depressed for all the problem that I’ve been…I’m been separated with my husband since last oct 2012 until now. We been married for 12 years. He’s my life, my world ,my everything and I love him so deeply. I thought this married is so strong but its not. I feel down, depressed I lost myself and don’t know what to do. I reach out my hands to God, pray and cast my burden upon me and lead me and please show me the way!. My husband cheated on me and had an affair but that affair didn’t last.. We both have a job, he work night and I work on days and with only one child and he’s 10yrs old. I come home form work and he break the news ” were splitting up” he said he cannot live like this anymore. I done bad things behind your back, I cheated on you and its not fair for both of you and my son”. The worse things he said to me that he’s not IN LOVE with me anymore and he do love me but as a FRIEND. He wanted to be happy and he wanted to have his life back. He wants to do things as family and were both friends . My hands begun to shake because I want to heat him as hard as I could, but I cant ..He move out to his brother for a moment until he get his own place. I cry everyday, cant eat, cant work and I lost a lot of weight. There was a time that I beg him to come back because I lost without him. Bad idea.. Bad to worse I lost my job without money coming in I will lose my house too. We both have a saving and I only have a 8 months to pay the mortgage out of our saving. He pay our bills, part of he’s contribution and guilt. He promise that he will help me until I find a job. He’s mate live down the road close to us, near from our sons school. Hes always there hes drinking buddy .. One day while Im driving my car I pass that anchor road I notice hes car park right outside her (her son and my son are both the same class and they both friend) front door. I hide my car and wait. Until he come out from her doorstep and drove off. I am devastated and angry and I breakdown. I confront him about it, he deny it he said they just friend. I went to her house and ask her nicely is there’s something going because its a big impact to my son if he finds out ( me too).As she live down our road!. She said ” nothings going on were just friend and if I’m going with someone not with him”…, everyday I see her at school. … I feel insecure and angry at her and definitely jealous, I actually hate her. I want to move my son to different school. The thing is my husband wants to move closer to us, closer to his mate house (terrace house) which 5 door the distance to her house! He said he want us closer us so he can easily get here if there’s any problem and he can see my son quite often.. Well I said your driving what’s the difference! I am not happy! I think he only want to move there because he wants closer to her not us.. I really don’t know what to do..were both arguing about this all the time..I don’t want to move because I love my home lots of memories. Do I have to stay were I am now or sell our house and move away from this place.. please help me I need an advice.
Hi Cristine, I’m so sorry, your story is very sad. You need to let go of your husband and focus on improving your life and moving on. Respect him when he is around, but be quiet about all of your problems. Except the housing problem, I do not know how to advise you on whether you should move or not, just try to find a job and get a stable safe place to live. Do you have parents close who you could move in with for awhile until you get your feet on the ground again? Praying for you, God will give you the strength you need, trust Him.
my parents live miles and miles away from me…I am trying to do it on my own not asking any help from his family…because I want to show him that I can do it..I cant move on and yet I do love him and it is really hard on my situation right now that he actually move near from were she lives’. 5 minutes to walk from were I live. He still wants us to be friend and I play the role and being civil to him for the sake of my son. Convenience is what he wants his very selfish he don’t care about others peoples feelings…not very nice at all ..But its cut me dip when her OW son’s actually bottled up to my son and talk to him about his “mum decorated your dads house and your dad always visit my mum and my mum(OW) send me to bed all the time and Im not happy, I don’t like your dad at all” ..My son doesn’t know what going at all but now he know ,his behaviour change he become quite and he don’t want to see more on his dad… I felt really bad, angry, jealous and want to hit him/her and curse her every time I see her….all I can do is to cry and cry and cry…..what can I do….
I am trying my best to keep my son happy so he can forget what’s going on about his dad’s relationship with this woman..I txt my husband about this and how we feel and how he destroy our life and why we need to suffer for his action but he only throw everything to my face..He is cruel and nasty not the person I use to know for 12 years ..He change a lot and his personality change.. but I did say to him that one day she will leave you when you get ill and old and no used (his 52 and she’s 40) ..I always keep saying to myself that I am the best person he ever have and am better that anyone, he cannot compare me to anyone because he always said that he loves my personality and I would not do stupid things that I will regret for the rest of my life..
My son’s pray every night for his dad to come back to us and as his the only way to save everything, because my son don’t want to move and sell the house its breaking my heart… he never lose his faith and hope everything will be fine and so do I…we put faith in God, that one day he will call him and touch his heart and realise how my he destroyed us..I put my wound to wisdom and carry on my life and put a fake smile and embraced the life we had…
Hi Sis,
I am also going through the same thing. My husband and I have been together for three years and married for almost two years. My husband started cheating on me last year September, we were having issues at the time which we were trying to resolve when I found out that he had been pursuing another woman. At the time I confronted him about it and he denied having anything with her and told me they were just colleagues. I asked to confirm with the woman and she also denied the affair, saying nothing was going on, however, she confirmed that he had told her that he was going through a divorce, at the time he was threatening to divorce me yet again (no big surprise there).
Things were fine for a while as I decided to let the issue go. Then out of the blue he moved out of the house, by that I mean he just took a few things and informed me he was staying at a friend’s place, we were sharing the car back then so he would use the car in the afternoons and bring it back in the morning, so he wasn’t sleeping at home. Then he decided to leave with the car for a period of two weeks without even letting me know where he was and leaving me and the kids without transport. I got the police involved and eventually he brought the car back, but he never moved back into the house.
A few weeks later I found out I was pregnant and when I told him he denied being the father. Three weeks later, which was end of November, he came back saying he was sorry for everything that had happened, that he wanted to work on our marriage. I forgave him, he still denied having the affair and we went through Christmas and New Year as a normal married couple. Even though we would still have our normal fights, but things seemed fine, until he started disappearing on weekends, I suspected he was still seeing the woman because he would switch off his phone.
Six weeks ago I confronted him about this behaviour and he became all defensive and then left the house again, claiming to be staying at a friend’s place. Last week I found out he had introduced the same woman to a business partner as his girlfriend, when I confronted him about it he first denied it, until he got upset and blurted out that he loved this woman and wanted to be with her. I have since also found out that he has been telling this woman all sorts of things about what a horrible marriage he has had, all pure lies, and the woman has basically told me to leave them alone because they are happy and getting stronger by the day and that she will take better care of him, since I’ve been so horrible to him. Since his outburst, he tells me he doesn’t feel guilty at all and last week he wanted us to go to court and file for a divorce, but he couldn’t complete the forms when he got there and kept asking me whether I want to do it. The whole time I kept telling him I don’t want a divorce, but that if it’s truly what he wants, he must file for it and I will not contest it. I told him that if I file for divorce he would have to wait for me to deliver the baby, which will be in two months and another three months after the baby is born. I have a decent job, although I work part-time, at first I was ready to let him go to be with this woman, but then I wanted to fight, I was practically begging him to come back home, which I now realise was a mistake, but I am back to my senses now and have been dealing with the situation rather calmly and trying to focus on dealing with the kids, we have two kids together aged 9yrs and 17 months with another one on the way (which he is denying, but I now he knows it is his). The problem is he has been promising to come and see me so we can talk, but he has cancelled each time, I am not sure whether the woman is preventing him from doing that or he is doing that all on his own. The woman and I have had conversations via SMS and she is adamant that she did not come between us and that we were going through a divorce before she came into the picture, although there were talks of divorce, nothing was ever filed. Besides, why would he come back and ask for forgiveness, if he intended to get a divorce? She told me that her and my husband have gone on road trips together and that he has even met her family. I know for sure that he has not introduced her to his family, because his sister was shocked when I told her what was going on now. His family are staunch Christians and his sister told him long before this happened that God does not like infidelity and that if he continues with it He will take away his blessings, maybe that’s why he came back, but I am not so sure.
I am a Christian and have for the past few weeks been drawing my strength from the Lord. The only thing I am uncertain of is whether it is worth fighting for this marriage with everything that has happened and I’ve been praying to God for guidance and strength.
I love my husband very much, and although he claims to still have feelings for me too, it hurts me so much that he has decided that he wants to be with another woman, other than myself……and the fact that all of this is happening to me while I am seven months pregnant makes things worse, my emotions are rather erratic, some days, I want to let him go and just move on and other days, I want to stay and fight for him.
Financially, life without him really wouldn’t be so bad, I am quite capable and have told myself I will look for a full-time job after the baby because we are just managing to survive on my part-time salary, his business hasn’t been doing well at all and he tells me he doesn’t have the money to support me and the kids right now so I am doing everything by myself.
That sounds very much like my story. Back in November I found out my husband was cheating. I confronted him right away and forgave him on the spot demanding him to leave the other woman. We also went thru Christmas and new year like a normal couple but soon after that I found out he was still cheating. He wanted a divorce. He said he didn’t love me anymore. After 8 years together 2 kids and one on the way I was devastates. I was also pregnant like u. We were living together but in separate rooms. He would leave on the weekends to her. I cried, begged and did all kind of things I regret. I finally told him he had to move out with her. I could nt stand seeing him gone every vweekend with her. While he was gone I started going to church. I prayed everyday for him and for my strenght and clarity. I knew I loved himvno matter what and wanted him to come back. I started showing comfidence and acting like I was ok and happy even tho I wasn’t. About 4 weeks after I had the baby and almost immediatly he wanted to come back. This time was different he made the choice and seemed sincere. Its been a month now and things are good between us. I keep on praying and never loosing faith. I wasn’t a true believer but God helped me thru this rough time. He brought me peace and helped me forgive. Dont lose faith on God on you and your husband.
Our stories are so similar. He is not living at home, although he has refused to remove all his stuff out of the house, he says he is looking for a place to stay and right now I think he is probably staying with this woman.
I am so happy for you, I see you were in a similar predicament only just two months ago. Congratulations on your baby, at least your ending makes me feel like there is hope after all. Thank you so much for sharing.
There is hope. It might not seem like it but there is. Show him strenght and self confidence. They seem to love a confidence woman more than anything else. Show him you can do without him. Look beautiful everyday. Mantain the house clean and in order. Pra pray and pray. God is there listening.
Affairs are a fantasy nothing more. Unfortunately you need to let it run its course if you are really willing to do that and forgive him. I hope your story ends like mine.
I think your best strategy is the shock and awe one. Be shocked that he would cheat on you and awe him with how much you’ve changed. Blessings.
I’m so sorry Malaika. Praying for you. Is there anyone you can go to for help while you get back on your feet again?
So my husband phones me the other day and says he wants to cancel the divorce and work things out. So I told him we will need to talk about that face to face. Then he calls me again the following day pretending he hasn’t been aware of what’s been going on and that all he knows is that he has a wife, two kids and one on the way. He even goes so far as to tell me that he loves me and wants to know if I still love him. I kept telling him that we need to talk about everything face to face, so he makes a point to come around the following morning so we could talk.
The talk, started out quite ok, with him telling me he was hurt by some things that happened in our marriage, which by the way I thought we had already addressed months before I found out about his affair. He tried to tell me the two incidents were the reason why he gave up on his marriage and went out to have an affair. By the way, I seriously don’t buy this because both these incidents happened after he had started pursuing the other woman. Anyway I asked him about the other woman and at first he refused to give me any answers, but then later said he will like to come back and talk to me about it and that he will be open and honest with me about everything.
He comes back a few hours later, reeking of alcohol and starts to tell me that the whole thing was nothing but business and that the woman in question is even married and that he wouldn’t jeopardise his marriage and his kids for a married woman. When I ask him what kind of business would require him to have a full blown affair and even apply for a divorce and he couldn’t answer me. After this he seemed to have completely changed his mind about being honest with me because now he is telling me about how he got involved with this woman just to hurt me. I just don’t know how to proceed with him, I had hoped that him coming back would mean that he is sorry for his actions and wants to be a family again, but after having had a conversation with him I doubt whether his motives are sincere.
He is no longer driving the other woman’s car and was demanding the keys to my car claiming it is equally his because we are married in COP. Naturally I refused to give him the keys, yet he took them anyway so I am currently using the spare keys. He claimed he wanted to fetch his things from where he has been staying back into the house, but he hasn’t come back since then.
I am quite confused right now, it seems things haven’t worked out with him and the other woman, but his coming back also doesn’t seem like something he really wants to do? Advice anyone?
Be very patient and nice while he is deciding. It seems like he is still lying to you, he is still unrepentent. Tell him you have been hurt very badly and are unsure if you want to continue with a relationship with him until you know that he loves you and wants to be committed. Don’t have sex with him until he has completely turned around and let him win you back. Blessings, I hope it goes well. You don’t have to take him back, this is your choice, but you don’t have to make the decision right away.
My husband and I have only been married a year but we’ve been together for 12 years. The first 10 years we were a strong, steady couple, we lived together a year before deciding to finally tie the knots a year ago. I have two sons prior to meeting my husband but the kids grew up with him and are now teenagers. A few months after we were married we decided to hire a live in maid to help with chores as I work days and he work at night. The kids both go to school and unfortunately, that left him and the young maid alone in the house a lot. About two months after the maid arrived I felt something was off so I decided to fire her but he stopped me and we started fighting on and off since then. Until finally I was able to make her leave last December, and that was when I began seeing him texting a lot and when I check on his mobile phone bills I found one number that he constantly calls and text several times a day. I found out later that the number belonged to our former maid. My husband is 35 and the maid is only 17! I confronted him about it and he was adamant that he only needed someone to talk to because we were having so much problem, He was adamant that they had no sexual relations. But two days after that confrontation we moved out of the house and lived with his parents. He said he needed to think, I was hoping that while he was there his parents would talk to him and advice him but they didn’t do anything. Last Sunday, I went to talk to him at his parents’ home and there he told me he’s never coming home again; he said he doesn’t love me anymore.
From the day he left until now my only solace are prayers. I listen to Christian music and pray a lot just to survive one day to the next. I love my husband regardless and still want him back but this affair with the maid isn’t over. He’s blocked my number from his mobile phone and don’t answer my emails. We agreed that he would still give support for the expenses at home but I don’t know if he will live by his words. There was a time when I could hold on to every word he says but right now its like I don’t know who I’m talking to. He’s changed so much, it’s like he’s a different person. I know he and the girl are still communicating and it hurts to think about it so I try not to but there are just times when even when I am busy at work he would cross my mind I would cry. I cry for the wonderful years we had together, all the dreams we made (he even built our dream house, where the kids and I are living right now) and how we could have worked through anything together if only there was no third party.
He’s said so many hurtful things to me but I can’t help loving him still. He’s oblivious to his faults and seem to transfer his shortcomings on me to justify his relationship with this girl. I keep praying that God would make him see the ever of his sins and that the Holy Spirit would guide him home to us. We still love him and still need him. I’m becoming afraid of what you said about out of sight, out of mind but I can’t reach him. He works far from where I work or where we live, several cities away and he’s blocked me from his cell. My only means of communication with him is email and I don’t know if he hasn’t marked my mails as spam yet. What am i supposed to do?
I’m so sorry, you are going through a difficult time right now. I like how you are trusting in God to help you through the pain, this post is advice for women just like you. Let go of him and wait, and while you’re waiting, heal and live an amazing life.
Hi, my sister with two teenaged daughters, came to know three days back that her husband of 22 years of marriage is having an affair with another married woman who has 8 year old kid. Please advice as to what she should do now. My sister says that her husband still shows the same love towards her and she could not believe that he had this affair all along from the past one year. Her husband still does not know that my sister has found out about the affair. Should she give an ultimatum, or should she win him back. She does not want to break the marriage for the sake of her daughters.
I have been separated a year. I found out he was having an affair in Dec 2011, he left her to move back home in Jan 2012, but moved out again in April 2012 to “find himself” and to see if what they had is real. Since then he’s tried to gaslight me twice into thinking he wanted to come home but then denied it when things got better with her again. Right now she is telling him he has to divorce me for her. And he’s considering it. I told him I do not want a divorce and will fight him on it. She has told lies about me. Her husband left her when he discovered the affair, and now “its only fair”. He said he loves me but he has feelings for her. He would come back but no couple has ever survived an affair according to him. So I am thinking we’re done. It breaks my heart but I feel like I have done everything I could do. Tried everything I could try. And he refuses to budge. But if I say don’t call me anymore he acts like I’ve done something wrong. We are on week 2 of me saying not to call me and he’s already found a reason to call twice. So why does he call?
you are doing things right. The natural inclination for a person is when one pulls away, the other draws nearer. He has a decision to make and you need to be brave and let him make it without giving in to him and without giving him sex. It’s only when you (appear to) let go that he gets to make the choice, until then he can have both of you. Pray hard, be confident, make him work hard to prove himself to you again because you are worth it and it is only through his efforts that devotion will be built into his heart. Blessings to you!
He says “no couple has ever survived an affair?” I can name TWO right this second… Point him to read the stories found at http://marriagelifeministries.org/ AND http://SongSix3.org. These two couples are THRIVING after infidelity. (And I know of many, MANY others that don’t necessarily share their stories online.)
Sis, your advice to this lady is right on. Adultery is extremely difficult to walk through, that is a fact. But it CAN be done. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
Thank you for the opportunity to speak into this ugly situation.
I’m going thur the same as yall have and are going thur my husband has been gone 5 weeks now has moved all his personael stuff out and living with a married woman left his home what we have worked so hard for and most of all he want talk to our Boys they are grown and we also have grandchildren that he loved so much he is a Christian or he professes to be one my heart is just so broken but I’m willing to work this out I pray all the time that he will come back to the LORD and his family and I know with GOD help we can work this out we have been married 34 years thought we were happiled married but he said he just wasn’t happy anymore how do you just quite loving someone after that many years and the vows we made before GOD till death do us part he left with a co-worker that always was telling that she was abused and wanting everyone to feel sorry for her that’s how it all started just feel like a fool it happened right before my eyes & I didn’t even see it coming I had try to be her friend but she was after my husband the whole time so sad that you can’t even trust any one just don’t know any thing to do but put it in God’s Hands so afraid the longer he stays gone the easer it will be to stay gone any advice My Heart goes out to all you Ladies May God always Bless you and your Familys
I’m so sorry for your loss, may God give you strength, peace and joy to endure through this difficult time.
Please suggest to my previous comment made on april 4th as below
Hi, my sister with two teenaged daughters, came to know three days back that her husband of 22 years of marriage is having an affair with another married woman who has 8 year old kid. Please advice as to what she should do now. My sister says that her husband still shows the same love towards her and she could not believe that he had this affair all along from the past one year. Her husband still does not know that my sister has found out about the affair. Should she give an ultimatum, or should she win him back. She does not want to break the marriage for the sake of her daughters.
She should gently confront him and let him know he has to choose, then she should withdraw sexually. Based on his response and his efforts to win her back she can decide whether to stay married to him or not.
We never married and had child together. He left me when daughter was still a baby for another woman and married her. They’ve been together 16 years. Should I take him back?
no way, you should never sleep with a married man.
Dear Sis, i have been married to my husband for 19 yrs, i found out two months ago that my husband was having an affair with a married woman who is currently estranged from her husband. I am a christian my husband is not and the other woman claims she is a christian. Just a month ago my husband comes home and tells me that since am the official wife i should give him days to which he can go and spend nights with her. I was in shock, he tells me he still loves me but he also has feelings for the other woman. he threatened to go away if i dont give him the days, well he now spends four days at her home and he back at the weekend. I have prayed and fasted and believe he will dump her, what annoys me is that fact that she texts him and calls him when he is at home. It at first was very painful but now when she does that i go out of the room and pray. I have an older daughter who is in boarding school and my husband decided that when she is on holiday he will not spend the night at hers i guess he is too ashamed to start explaining his whereabouts. I even went to the church she was married at and sought help, i have been told to pray about it, she was spoken too but she clearly thinks that she knows God better than all of us. About the sex we have been having it but lately she texts him just as we are about to sleep and i guess he cant perform. But i am eagerly waiting for the holidays and i aggresively pray for my husband to break off this affair. I would be happy if you had any prayers i could use.
stop having sex with him immediately. As long as you are having sex with him, there is no incentive for him to change.
@Rebecca, read this. http://afadedromantic.wordpress.com/2013/04/13/mistress/
can u tell me wht can i do because he is telking with her only but iam upsat because he do something tht it hurt me but it is hurting me
He just left me with the kids to be With his girlfriend because of family issues my parents say a word that they want to kill him, when he had to ask a hand in marriege, right now he dont have time for the kids he do passing by mayb once in a week for 30 to 1 hour then he eat and leave, my decision was to cut him off my children coz im working hard for them while he brag abt them without even supporting them emotionaly,physically n spiritualy he said he wil cum bek if we were made to be.
I’m so sorry, stay strong!
first i would like to say thank God for you and that your page are
such a blessing to my life and walk. I prais the name of Jesus that he
lead me to the word net. your teaching, may his blessing always fall heavey apon
your menstery and life and your church, and family again I thank you for
being his sirvent and my broughter in the lord. I would like to ask you
with a humbel heart to pray for my husband Aaron Bell and my marriage to
be restored. I love God with all my heart, I am so thankful to be his
child and your sister. I live in Muncie Indiana. God bless you and please
know that you are a blessing to my life. I would like to share my story
with you, I know you must be very bissy so I will not take to much of
your time.
i am standing on Gods word for my marriage. Its has been the hardest thing
Ive been through in my life and walk with the Lord, but I am thankful at
the same time because it has brought me closer to Jesus then I ever was,
and i know that my husband will come back to me because his life is better
with me. I also know that God is not a man that he could lie and that God
will restore the years that have been stolen in our marriage. I have been
married twenty three years and the last two my husband has been back and
forth with a much younger woman. However I know he is deceived and
backslide when I told the lord that I love my husband for better or worse
I didnt say well Lord as long as everything goes my way then and only then
will I stay in this marriage. yes I have my days on top of the mountan and
my days in the valley. I am looked on by people in the world and in the
church as week, however that is far from true it takes great strength to
stand on Gods word for your marriage, to take God at his word to keep
asking when everyone around you thinks its hopeless. the girl has been
very mean to me said every hurtful thing she could come up with time after
time. however our father is so great not only has he made a way for me to
forgive her over and over. I pray for her not just that God would turn her
heart from my husband but hat he would save her that no harm would come to
her, and that she would never know my pain. I also pray day and night with
out ceasing for my husband to come to himself and return to his first love
Jesus that he would know what is good and true and be set free from
bondage. what is really sad to me is that many Christians give the same
advise as the world gives move on find another man, my reply is always the
same show where Jesus said that in his word. many people say thy want to
be like Jesus until thy are called to be. I ask God most days to make me
the wife he wants me to be and I remind myself that love covers a multude
of sin, and love is not just a word is is a way of life when we look to
Jesus and that God said he made us one so many time when I pray I ask God
to to set me free from the other woman and to bring me home to him and my
wife, we just have got to get to a place where we rely belive Gods word
and live like we do. i am thankful for your site and I am thankfull I came
across it tonight becouse, so many times people say just thank God and be
happy thy say where is your joy, the thing is when your husband is in the
world and was once a man of God and you are one with him, you have a
berden and a berden dose not meen joy. all my hope is in God I know all I
can do is to keep it before him, untill he brings Aaron back to himself
and me his wife. God bless you and I give you thanks from my heart. God
bless you in Jesus name
waterthecamels, I loved your reply on April 20th, very helpful. How do you get over the thoughts of another woman having your husband and he’s feeling so happy having his own place, going coming like he wants, while I’m home with our two sons. It makes you feel so unpretty, like he’s just happy without you. He’s found something better, prettier, nicer body, whatever.
Hi Lynn, you don’t think about them, and when they come into your head to torture you, you recite scripture or a Jesus song, or you fall to your knees and pray because those words are not of God. They are satan lying to you. They are a lie, you are worthy, you are a daughter of a King, and you are not defined by your looks or your past mistakes. You are a new creation, you have hope and God will take care of your needs with or without your husband along.
Sis, Thanks so much for the encouragement. I am trying really hard. I’ve been married 21 years and I think my husband is going through a mid-life crisis. He’s 44. We have two sons that are hurting through this. My husband is saved and I’m praying for God to restore his salvation. I think he’s just overly excited about being somewhat “single” and living on his own for the first time in his life, but it’s not fair. I try not to be angry. I DON’T UNDERSTAND, why we can’t at least be friends and get along. He’s very distant and cold. It’s like a stranger almost, like I never meant anything to him at all. That really hurts!!
I know, I’m sorry. God has a plan for you and for your husband, He will turn this into good, I promise you that.
@Lynn, this was in my devotional this morning and it made me think of you.
“Do not resist or run from the difficulties in your life. These problems are not random mistakes; they are hand-tailored blessings designed for your benefit and growth. Embrace all the circumstances that I allow in your life, trusting Me to bring good out of them. View problems as opportunities to rely more fully on Me.” pg 137 from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young
Sis, thanks that was very inspiring, I’m really trying, I really am.
Looking at this thread I bet you never thought it would go this long.
My husband left seven years ago. The original home wrecker is out of the picture. I got discouraged when I earnestly dug into prayer August four years ago and at the same time he met another woman and moved in with her.
We hadn’t talked most of these years. God had me make peace with his parents about three years back. (His Dad and I never got along but now he is a believer). My ex-inlaws got divorced a couple years before my ex followed his dad’s footsteps.
This past November God told me to apologize to my ex for what ever it was that hurt or angered him that he left. I expected him to be mean but he just replied okay. Then told me he had been doing good since he’s been on his own. (Again, living with another woman.) I just responded with a thank you.
Recently our daughter was rushed to the hospital and that cracked open the door to very little talk…just updates about her. His Mom asked “you wouldn’t think of taking him back? Your life though tough has been better without him”. I said I’ve thought about it but I’m not the passive person I once was.
I haven’t dated anyone. I don’t discuss it with friends or family because they get frustrated with me about thinking of restoration.
Our daughter is better so we aren’t talking again. (Thanking God she is better.)
There is always a part of me that wants my family together but I do remember how negative and controlling he was. Never physically abusive. Just verbal belittling. I remembered when we were at the hospital and he was talking low of his dad who wasn’t there.
My first choice would be him surrendering to God, being sweeter and coming home. But I don’t want to wait forever. I’m not as competitive as a lot of single women for men and when I’ve met men each time there has been another woman (in and out of church) who quickly jumped in bed with them so needless to say they didn’t choose me.
Sad to say, I don’t think I have a lot of confidence in men doing the right thing in general. Maybe I’ve seen too much.
Thanks for letting me rant…didn’t mean to be a downer. Keep up the encouragement you are truly a blessing.
God has a way of directing us where He wants us to go, I think it may be easier to be single than to be married to an unbeliever. Strong men of faith are rare, I don’t blame you for not having much confidence in men. Have confidence in God, He has a plan for you. You are deeply loved, He will care for all your needs. Thanks for visiting and blessings to you.
MJ,
So sorry you are going through this, but rest assure, God is going to bless you for your faithfulness. Vengeance is his. He sees your pain and he’s not going to let you go without. He’s going to take care of all your needs and give you double for your trouble. Also, know that God can change anyone even the worse person that seems there is no hope for. I’ve seen it happen. Pray for your husband, for God to convict his heart and bring him to repentance and to him. Don’t sit around, if you don’t want to date, that’s fine, pray for God to be your husband and comfort in this season and I’m a witness, he will. Those desires will fade away. Live your life and take care of your child, but keep praying, don’t stop! Fast and pray for miracles, it works!! Don’t worry about what others say that discourage you, you listen to what God says. These men are going through mid-life crisis and searching for this false, temporary happiness, and trust and believe they will find out soon enough, its a trap of the enemy. It won’t last! Ease back, don’t call him, unless its an emergency, be nice if he calls, but let him see you’re happy regardless. God has got you!! I’m praying for you too. God bless you!!