Birthday, Cake with candles (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I’ve been feeling far from God lately, and I don’t know how to fix it. I wonder if I’m spending too much time reading stuff on the computer. I wonder if there are idols in my life that I need to knock down before He will make an appearance again, I wonder if He just isn’t here because I’m happy right now and it’s when I’m sad and depressed that He seems closest to me. Where are you God, and how do I get you back?
I spent today with my in-laws, who are wonderful people. It was loud and crazy, with lots of food, screaming, tears, kids, birthday cakes and family. I picked apples and pears and tried a persimmon for the first time (they are gross). I listened to the marital problems of my sister-in-law whose husband is smoking weed again. I kept my marriage a secret (I only share it with my on-line stranger friends) and let everyone else know how happy I am.
We are having some issues figuring out how to make my husband the leader and how to make me submissive. This whole marital structure sounded simple enough when we started, but it gets confusing. He’s doing things his way more, but then I catch him trying to make me happy more throughout the day also. It’s a weird balance and sometimes I get offended and don’t know what to do. If I’m being submissive do I just take it when he offends me, or do I go off somewhere and cry where he doesn’t have to see me and deal with it? I don’t think he likes talking about things that bother me, he sees it as a punishment and a rejection of who he is, so I’m thinking that the best way to deal with problems might just be to suck it up, give it to the Lord, and let my husband worry about when he wants to make me happy and when he wants to just be himself.
I heard a sermon on how everything in our life should be to glorify God and it made me wonder if this blog glorifies God. For awhile, I thought it didn’t because it was TMI and I say stupid things often; but after thinking about it some more, I decided that God is most glorified through the messy details of our lives. It is when we realize that we are stupid sheep who don’t really know anything and are always getting lost and that He is our only hope that we are actually able to get anywhere worthwhile. So maybe by being messy and real with you, you will know that the success of our marriage has very little to do with me and everything to do with God.
Related articles
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Tagged: Christian, Christian Marriage, Relationships
Welcome back! You were missed! I believe God uses this blog…absolutely. Marriage is about working through things and finding a balance. Being submissive is a journey. Dont be so hard on yourself. Im trying to be more submissive and less naggy. Last week I snapped a little at my hubby. Then I was ashamed that I reacted that way. I told my hubby that Im truly sorry and that Im working on not being that way. He said he noticed the change and appreciated it. Its not really about the destination but the journey there.
Thanks Kate, I missed you too. It has definitely been a journey for me. I’m glad your husband has noticed a difference in your behaviors, that’s always a good sign. It’s good to be back.
Also wanted to add…”Clear the Stage” by Jimmy Needham. A very heart tugging song on idols…sometimes they creep up in your life without realizing it. *prayers*
I love it, I think I’ll listen to it over and over for awhile.
It sounds like you and your husband really need to talk to each other. Your communication is not working. You need to be clear on each other’s needs. However, you also need to be clear on your expectations and recognize what each other is able to give/recieve.
I don’t have an answer for you, but I think talking is one of the worst things I can do right now, maybe just more sex
I guess you know what is best for you but it sounds hard to believe that is the complete answer.
Have you heard the song “Never Alone” by Barlow Girl? It is very poignant. That even when we cannot hear Him and it seems He is not answering; we will obey and keep believing. There will be times that we hear Him clearly and there are times when He wants us to go looking for Him. I wonder if that is so we recognize our need for Him and learn to not take Him for granted. I also like to remember the verse that talks about hearing God as the still, small voice; He is heard in the quiet. Sometimes we look for the storm, the noise. He isn’t always there, sometimes we need to remove everything else and when all is quiet, then He speaks. (1 Kings 19:11-13)
I have always found it interesting that the Lord purposefully chooses to use people who don’t seem “likely”. He doesn’t use the powerful, the rich, or the strong (usually). He is glorified through the weak because He is the strength. He is glorified through the poor because He is our riches. He is glorified through our trials because He is the shepherd who brought us through them. It is not about how great we are, but about how great He is. Never trust anyone who presents themselves as perfect, the truth is they are probably white washed tombs. God is glorified by the perfecting of our sinful lives, not by the perfection we present to others.
In regards to submission, I think that some people have a faulty view of what it really means. It doesn’t mean we are doormats; it doesn’t mean we can’t have feelings or desires. Submission merely means that when push comes to shove and a decision needs to be made; our husbands have the final say. Does this mean that he should be cruel or unkind; NO! A good husband will want his wife to be happy and will ask her opinion.
Submission is best described this way… Imagine a creature with two heads. It’s not normal and it doesn’t function properly. Which head decides the direction the creature will go? Which head runs the body? The Lord wanted the family to work a specific way, so instead of giving it two heads, He gave it one; your husband. That doesn’t mean you are insignificant or unimportant, it just means the “buck has to stop somewhere” and it stops with him.
The benefit of this is that, as their wives, we are not held responsible for their poor choices, that is completely on their shoulders. We are only to listen, offer advice, and obey. God will deal with them when they aren’t leading properly; trust me!
It might also help to think of the family as a representation of God and the church. God is the head of the church; He protects it and loves it. He provides for its needs and offers support. The church in turn serves God and loves Him. We meet the needs of others and bring honor to the Lord; we are obedient and submissive.
Your husband loves you; he will listen if you explain how you feel. That doesn’t mean he will agree, but that he will try. If he doesn’t seem willing to listen when you are in the midst of being upset, perhaps you might try talking a little later when the air is cleared?
Being the leader doesn’t mean he will always lead either. Sometimes being the leader means you know when to delegate work to other people. A leader who tries to handle it all is a poor leader; they are tired and they don’t trust other people. The fact that he is willing to let you handle things is a good sign of his trust in you.
Marriage is a tricky balance. There are times to give and times to take. The key is being willing to work through it all. Sometimes you win and sometimes you fail; but who is winning the overall war? Don’t focus on the little skirmishes; focus on the war. In the end, will your marriage win or will the enemy?
(p.s. Sorry for the “book”, I just thought it might be helpful.)
Loved the song, made me tear up. I felt like God asked me to get up this morning to go walk with Him, and I ignored it and fell back asleep. I think I’ll get up early tomorrow.
I think you’re right about God using people who aren’t very good at things, I forget that.
I’ll keep talking about things with him I think, but not very often, maybe it’s my time to give for awhile in this way.
Glad you liked the song. Let Him help you through this situation, He is the only one who can.
I’m not a fan of personality tests, too much cheese and not enough meat. The one I’ve linked to here is designed so that is short and to the point but also accurate, not-to-mention it’s inexpensive. It is designed to measure your passions in life and advises how those passions are tapped into and supported. When you know what drives your partner, you know exactly what buttons to push (or not to push) to fill them emotionally, which gives you a blueprint for what “leadership” or “submission” looks like for them. If you’re like my wife and I, we were only taught the generic terminology and painted a very disturbing picture of the relationship between these two words. The church defaults to leadership and submission as being more like a dictatorship than a loving relationship because that’s the easiest conclusion to draw. In reality, the roles of leadership and submission are different for every couple.
https://www.flagpagetest.com/
The results of the flag page test assign you two of four “countries” based on your answers to the questions. The countries are Fun, Control, Peace, and Perfect. One of these four is your primary country, or the way you approach life, the second country is what you add to the mix when things get tough. I am Control – Fun, my wife is Control-Perfect. In simple terms, we both like to be in control of our lives and our situations; we get the job done. My secondary country is fun, so I’m going to get the job done and have as much fun as possible doing it. My wife is perfect, so she’ll get the job done right!
After learning your emotional country, the test gives you 5 flags. These flags are your top 5 passions that drive you. My number one passion; being inspirational. I thrive off feedback. All Julie has to do to fill me emotionally and light my passion for her is tell me how I make a positive impact on her, as simple as telling me that I took a load of stress off her night by doing the dishes and the laundry. Julie’s #1 flag is competency, which drives an inspirational person crazy! Competent people fill their own emotional tanks by proving their competency. As a leader, I have to step back and let Julie complete things on her to-do list for herself. I’ve learned that I can take a bottom-up approach to her to-do list, while she works from the top down. On the best days, she proves her competency on the most important things, while I relieve some of the load by taking care of the mundane chores, then we meet in the middle with an emotionally-charged collision.
Try out this online passion test with your husband. You’ll find the leadership-submission thing is a lot easier to do, and probably looks much different than you expect, after you know what fuels both of your tanks.
My husband would definitely be fun, and maybe peace? I think I’m like your wife. I’m not sure what my husband thrives off of, maybe touch? He likes encouragement too. The last personality test I took told me I didn’t fit any of the categories and might be schizophrenic, so I’m leery of them too, but it would be really nice to know what our passions are and how to best encourage each other. I appreciate your telling me about this one. It makes sense that yours would be inspiration since you’re an artist.
Dear Sis,
I hope you have enjoyed your break. If you’re happy then God is certainly near you.
Thank God in everything, no matter what the circumstances may be, be thankful and give thanks, for this is the will of God for you Sis in Christ Jesus, the Revealer and Mediator of that will.
For the part of submission, I have sent Sis a email.
got it!
God never leaves you. Forget about your emotions in relation to closeness with God- what I mean is that smotions shift based on your hormones, your circumstances, how much sleep you got last night, etc. They do not always have basis in reality. It takes great discernment to sort through your feelings to determine if they are valid or if they are to be ignored. Search your heart and confess any sins the Lord reveals to you. And then trust the Lord. He knows when you sit and when you rise. He perceives your thoughts. He is near to those who call on Him. Emotions should always be CONTROLLED by objective truth. That is why the old hymn says “standing on the promises”. Deny your emotions as invalid and preach sermons to yourself about God’s faithfulness to never leave you or forsake you.
I know this, only I had forgotten it. Thank you for a much needed reminder Ellie. Welcome to the blog, you have beautiful words full of truth.
About the submission question: keep pressing towards your goal, keep seeking personal improvement, toughen your skin where you can, study the book of Esther on communicating with your husband, and realize that when you are taking off old habits and putting on new ones you should be giving yourself and your husband extra leeway- it is not going to be perfect or even feel “right” until it is the new normal- and even then, true submission is very hard because you are subordinating yourself and trusting God to watch out for your interests. Right now, you are changing the way you relate to your husband. So go easy on yourself. But keep striving for improvement!
Esther was very good with men wasn’t she. I forgot about her, I think I could learn a lot from her.
You’re back! Yay! I’d seen you a teeny bit on TC…. Yay! You’re back!
Anywho. Sacred Influence. Go get it. Just read it, it’s very good… and it addresses the “men who consider talking about some stuff a form of torture” issue. You DO have to communicate the problem, but you don’t have to revisit it frequently – there are men who can’t take that.
Also, don’t try to force your DH to be a leader. He is a leader. He doesn’t have to be a natural alpha to lead you, just being your hubs puts him in charge. You can laugh, be silly – even let him know when you’re offended – and still follow his lead in your life. Submission (and being a good wife) is a *process*. You care about being a good wife, and that puts you down the path to becoming a great one.
((hugs)) – Glad to see you back!!!!!!!!!!
okay, okay, I’ll find it. Hearthie, you know how to take the crazy out of my head. What would I do without you.