English: Painting by Edwin Long, 1878. Location of painting: National Gallery of Victoria, Melbourne. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Ellie, one of our readers, reminded me to look to Queen Esther for ideas on how to be submissive. Queen Esther was probably the hottest woman in the entire bible, she was chosen from hundreds of virgins who were paraded in front of the king to be the queen. She was probably around 14-16 years old, she was very beautiful and had “a lovely figure”.
Her husband, King Xerxes, was known to have a temper and he liked to have large parties with lots of drinking. He was very powerful, rich and had removed his previous queen because she refused to “display her beauty” in front of his drunken friends to enjoy, and I mean really, really drunk friends.
Well, a situation came up where Esther had to ask something very difficult of her husband, something she knew he wouldn’t want to do, something that he might have her killed for by even her asking. One of King Xerxes’ men had convinced him that he should kill all the Jewish people and take their money and their land because they believed differently and were a threat. Esther was Jewish (but the king did not know this), she wanted to save her people.
And who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14b
So what did Esther do? How did she handle this man and get her request granted to save her people?
Esther asked all of the Jewish people to fast for her and she and her attendants also fasted for three days. After fasting, she made a request to see King Xerxes (No one was allowed to request to see the king, only he was allowed to request to see you. She risked death simply by doing this) She put on her royal robes and was allowed into his presence, he responded by asking what she wanted and told her that even if it was half the kingdom it would be hers.
3 Then the king asked, “What is it, Queen Esther? What is your request? Even up to half the kingdom, it will be given you.”
4 “If it pleases the king,” replied Esther, “let the king, together with Haman, come today to a banquet I have prepared for him.”
She invited him and his friend who wanted to kill the Jews to a banquet the following night. At the banquet (with wine), the king asked her what her request was and she invited him to another banquet the following night. At the second banquet, the king again asked her, what is your petition, even up to half the kingdom I will grant you.
3 Then Queen Esther answered, “If I have found favor with you, Your Majesty, and if it pleases you, grant me my life—this is my petition. And spare my people—this is my request. 4 For I and my people have been sold to be destroyed, killed and annihilated. If we had merely been sold as male and female slaves, I would have kept quiet, because no such distress would justify disturbing the king.
The king was horrified and wanted to know who this man was that wanted to hurt Esther and her people. That is when Esther pointed to the man beside the king and accused him. The king immediately had him put to death.
Our examples of marriages from the bible are kind of strange, but Esther got a lot of things right and she was dealing with a very powerful, scary man and somehow managed to get what she wanted. Here are some of the things I think she did right that worked in her favor.
1. She trusted in God first, she fasted and prayed and had all her people fast and pray.
2. She made herself look very beautiful and appealing to her husband.
3. She was very respectful with her words and humble about her requests.
4. She fed him food and gave him wine to drink.
5. She was mysterious, she didn’t tell him what she wanted in the king’s court or at the first banquet.
6. She asked for his protection first, she appealed to his masculine nature as her husband before she even mentioned her people. She ended her request with great respect for him again.
After studying how she handles him, it makes it obvious to me why some of my talks with my husband aren’t turning out the way I want them to. It makes more sense why he would get angry or feel hurt. I’ve got a lot to learn from her.
Also, I wanted to give you a heads up that Nina is starting to blog her new book The Respect Dare: Foundations For Wives today (Wednesday)! She is an amazing writer with lots of good things to say. Go over and say hi!
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Tagged: Christian Marriage, God, King Xerxes, Pleasing Your Husband, Queen Esther, Relationships, Xerxes I of Persia
Great advice from a good friend! What helpful reminders to all us wives! Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for referencing my blog in your own! God Bless!
Love the story of Esther! She was an amazing woman. Thanks for this blog!
In Esther’s day, subordinates, not even the queen, dare request a meeting with the king. This was a challenge to the court’s protocol. Esther, in what can be considered an act of insubordination winningly requests a meeting with the king. Once the king accepts her invitation and grants her call to an audience, she wisely, as a subordinate follows court protocol by waiting to be announced to the king because entering the king’s presence unannounced could get her killed. With feasting and entertainment, she sets out to win his favor before making her requests known. She is building a rapport with the king. Esther is an example of a courageous risk taker. She puts her own life at risk, in essence lays down her own life to save her people, not unlike Jesus who she pictures in this story.
I suppose if a couple agrees to live in a male-female hierarchical arrangement there is something to be learned from Esther, especially if they are living according to procedures within a king’s court. More fulfilling and happier marriages are those that build upon their rapport of mutual friendship expressing mutual agape, respect, sacrifice, and service and eagerly accept the influence of their spouse. (Prepare-Enrich National Survey of Marital Strengths; Gottman Relationship Institute)
In our marriage it does work best on the foundation of mutual love and respect etc. … except for, when it doesn’t. Then, when there is conflict (we are stalemated), in order to keep the unity in our marriage, I then defer to the husband/wife spiritual hierarchy. Just as Christ deferred to the spiritual hierarchical order.
Some relationships that lack shared values and/or the skills for cooperation or collaboration, I suppose, find a superior/subordinate hierarchical structure the best option for them to wade through an impasse. I believe, and research supports, that the ideal is personal growth that recognizes the benefit of cooperation and collaboration, and therefore seeks, influence from the other, works towards mutually agreed upon goals and values, and serves and sacrifices for the needs and desires of the other because of mutual love and respect without a hint of hierarchy.
I find it’s not really a matter, in our marriage, of a ‘lacking,’ but rather, as the title of this post indicates, “strong man.” Strong men are exactly that … strong. They require a different set of gloves then that of men/husbands that are easily placated.
I’ve read your thoughtful comments and you know alot about the book of Esther, I can’t decide if you are a man or a woman, you have great debate skills.
I usually ignore the men’s side of marriage in my blog, I don’t feel qualified to teach men, and I think that it is God’s job to grow and sanctify my husband, not mine. I think something that we differ on is that I believe the man is the head, he is the leader, he is higher in rank than the woman is in a marriage and a woman should respond accordingly. God takes man’s leadership and makes it sacrificial which then again evens out the balance of gender roles and makes it difficult to be a leader as a man. Instead of man = woman in marriage, it is more woman looks up, serves and respects man and then man gives his life for the woman. The end outcome is the same, but the route of getting there is very different. So on my side of the marriage, it is hierarchical; it is my husband’s job to make the switch, not mine. I think that it is our job as women to sit in the lesser chairs and to be humble and to praise our husbands, in return; when our husband’s are finally feeling secure and in charge, they reciprocate and appreciate what we’ve done and put us in the chairs at the head of the table. It is their job to give us respect, not ours to demand it. Respect is a gift and the only way we can earn it is to first respect them.
Yes, we differ in that I do not believe hierarchy in marriage is necessary to live out a Christ-honoring marriage or is necessary or even the best model for solving conflicts. The irony is that in our culture you as a woman have, theoretically and legally, recognized personhood and can choose to function as if your husband is your superior. Denying the personhood of females and their inferior status is what kept women from attaing the right to vote, own property, have right of access or custody to their children in a divoce initiated by the husband, etc. Throughout most of human history and in many parts of the world today the personhood of women is not culturally affirmed and they do not have a choice. Patriarchical rule is a given.
When Paul takes up the Aristolean household codes, he does not even come close to telling the paterfamilias how to rule or lead their households contra the philsophers. Patriarchal rule, again, was a given. What is remarkable for the shame, authority-submission based hierarhical structure in Greco-Roman society is that the paterfamilias were instructed to *sacrificially* agape (love). Paul gives a Christ-centered ethic to their cultural norms and calls the paterfamilias to treat his property (wife, children, & slaves) in an honorable way. Specifically, the paterfamilias who names the name of Christ in that culture is not called, not to rule, but to sacrificially agape his wife the way Christ agaped.
I affirm that women have a choice to choose, at least in some places, and concede that hierarhical marriages n can be Christ-honoring. I do not concede that we have to force a hierarchical paradigm, affirm non-hierarhical marriages can be just as Christ-honoring, and believe they are more winsome.
@Robyn,
I imagine it cannot be easy for any woman to be married to a “strong” man like Xerxes that will simply not be placated. Esther is admirable for her masterful risk-taking, bravery, skill at handling a difficult (more accurate, IMO, than “strong”) man who abuses his power and position, wisdom to know when to circumvent protocol and when not, and wisdom to use means available to her to produce her desired outcome–the salvation of her people.
In a perfect world everyone is willing to compromise their needs and put away their wants for the good of their spouse or relationship.
In reality, even when we working for our relationship, we aren’t always as willing to be altruistic as we would hope others would be when considering our wants and needs. Sometimes we just don’t see others wants and needs as being important enough to change circumstances for. Sometimes we even go so far as to see meeting those needs and compromising our own as being transactional; mistaking saying “when he does this, I will do that” for being compromise -using an opportunity for unity as a tool for personal gain. This is where faith steps in. This is where we stop hiding our minds in the worldly and personal challenges and fall back on what has been passed down to us by generations of women who have found their strength and purpose through faith – even if we aren’t as mature as all that, we have a template to strive towards in building lasting marriages.
Gottman misses that we aren’t always going to feel our needs are being met as we would like them to, but we still have to buck up and behave -to fall back on a code of conduct to get through the hard times without feeling that conduct can be bartered for needs and wants within the relationship.
We tear our relationships apart with our own hands for thinking we are smarter than needing to apply ‘hierarchy’ or more accurately, to be able to benefit from submitting our pride and dedicating our power to supporting our intimate relationships above our self interest.
In applying respect and approaching the person we are trusting to uphold and defend our relationship against the world to, we can allow our spouses to keep the faith with us as a vital part of our team rather than seeing us as a traitorous faction that must be subdued. Had Esther approached this situation as a 3rd Reich Feminist, demanding equal consideration for having been born equally valuable in the eyes of God she would have reduced any communication in this interaction to a squabble about who was leading the team rather than saving her people. She was married to a King. Yes, the man has his own sins, but this isn’t about saying he’s without sin. Our spouses are not God, and we have to approach them as being the same flawed individuals with the same weakness and pride that we have to fight within our selves. The maturity of choosing which battles we fight in our marriages is key. Are we fighting to lead the team, or to win the battle?
These are communication tools to keep our eyes on the prize, finding a community and guidance to leaving our pride by the roadside and teaching our spouses through example without judging them for being, just like us, perfectly imperfect by nature.
Hope this helps with the concept, I am 110% right there with you, I have my own to do lists, my own priorities, my own deadlines, BUT I strive to consider my spouse first, (girl: do you always think about me – boy:I guess, do you?) I love the freedom that turning my own imperfections over to him and God gives me, by putting him above me in our personal hierarchy I have another person 110% dedicated to shepherding my desires in life and who has an invested interest in seeing me grow into not just the person I would like to become but the person who when I become, I will still like. If I am going to expect him to care for helping me to become that person, then I have to invest in encouraging him to be the leader who can take me there, while trusting that I have his back as well.
You ask, “Are we fighting to lead the team, or to win the battle?” Maybe you are addressing individual issues or specific conflicts, but I understood the discussion to be about a hierarchical marriage model. Coming from the perspective that hierarchy in marriage is not essential or a preferred model for conflict resolution, I propose the better question is: Are we both, hand in hand, heart in heart, leading the charge by using our gifts, insight, and skills to “win the battle”? (I’m using battle metaphorically, as in to meet agreed upon objectives and dreams of the marriage/family or as in upholding the values of the family or as in promoting the spiritual, emotional, and physical flourishing of each other.)
A husband *and* wife have a vested interest in seeing *each other* grow into their fullest potential. Believing spouses should spur one another on to good works and as iron sharpens iron, sharpen each other. This will happen by the Holy Spirit, if we allow, in the natural out-workings of living in close proximity which challenges our sin i.e. pride, patience, selfishness. But, it can also happen when a husband *and* wife are intentional about encouraging the spiritual, physical, and emotional growth/flourishing of in their mate. This can happen in a variety of ways but may include calling sin what it is, pointing out blind spots, or challenging immaturity. A hierarchy, whether husband/wife or wife/husband, need not exists to encourage the flourishing of our mate or to be intentional about helping our spouse reach his or her full potential.
@ Mandi — I really like this perspective: “Are we fighting to lead the team, or to win the battle?” Nicely said.
Haven’t forgotten you SM, still planning my next move, Aristotlean Household Rules threw me off a bit.
You say “mutual agape”. That stands out to me as an oxymoron. There is no such thing as mutual agape. Agape is not mutual by definition. Our perfect standard of agape has shown it to be sacrificial. It is the strong becoming weak to meet the weak in weakness.
You seem to be confusing the design. Women are not capable of agape, they just aren’t. It was not in the Creator’s design
http://loveandrespect.com/blog/men-women-need-both-love-respect-equally/
“Only the husband is commanded to agape love his wife. God does not command a wife to agape love her husband. (Agape love is the unconditional or godlike love.) On the face of it, God designed the nature of the wife to love more naturally at the level of intimacy. Within her nature — generally speaking — is a greater desire to nurture. Mothering is a case in point. That does not mean all fathers are less nurturing than all mothers but that most fathers are less nurturing than most mothers. God designed the nature of a mother to nurture and that spills over into her role as the wife. God designed her nature to love her husband.”
I liked your link! I’m not very familiar with the term agape, so I think I’ll just listen on this one.
Sis, I respect your earnestness. The hyperlink under Aristotelian Household codes was not put there by me. I’m not sure what that site is about. I may check it out later.
Yeah I put it there, I figured no one knew what you were talking about.
Okay, here’s what I’ve got. As you can probably tell, I’m not a debater, I’m a peacemaker, but I really do believe that marriage with the man as the leader, the decision-maker, is the best way. I used to have an egalitarian marriage, we did that for many years and I think it has some major flaws. The first one is that I think that it is impossible for men and women to live as equals, they end up competing with each other. They compete for free time, they compete for who earns the most, they compete for who has to do the chores, it goes on and on. I think that men are naturally competitive and women are naturally cooperative, so women end up losing this competition battle, especially if they are with a really competitive man. The woman ends up not understanding why her husband is resenting her for asking him to take the trash out, so she does it when he isn’t looking. She doesn’t understand why her getting a higher paycheck makes him secretly resent her. She is under the understanding that they are a team, but he naturally wants to win, so he grows more resentful and withdraws from the marriage. That is winning in his eyes, he doesn’t have to be involved. The less competitive a man is, the less this style of marriage creates problems.
The only way for a woman to get a man to understand that she isn’t his competition, but his partner, is to put herself in submission to him. If he is without a doubt that he is winning, he might take her under his wing and fight for both of them out in the career world. She takes care of the home and the children, makes sure he has a comfortable place to come to with good food and small demands and he is able to relax; he feels respected and secure. After he feels respected and secure, only then does he have the desire to give of himself to his family freely. Because it is his, he owns it, he is not competing for it anymore. Resentment disappears and leadership takes over. These are the natural reasons why I think leader/submission marriage is better.
None of this makes any difference if the bible doesn’t back it up. What is wise in man’s eyes may not be what God has planned. I think the bible really backs this thinking up. First in the garden, Adam rules over Eve as part of her curse. Men can lead and be sacrificially agape at the same time, that is complicated, but somehow it is true. If they were only to rule, it would make marriage hard and unbalanced and difficult for the woman, but they are called both to rule and to love sacrificially. If men are to be like Christ and women like the church, then isn’t Christ the leader? She has the choice to obey Him, but He ultimately decides the right way to go.
Yes, the Holy Spirit sanctifies us gradually throughout a marriage. I think if a couple are Christian that ultimately the most important thing they can cling to is the examples of the bible. If they are doing that, it doesn’t matter what kind of marriage they have, they are going to be okay. God comes first, then everything else works itself out. That’s probably why your marriage is so successful. I think when a man becomes the leader, he becomes more committed to the marriage, it becomes his and he doesn’t need to escape anymore.
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A get that a hierarchy may be the best way for you and for some others, but do not agree that it is best and research reveals that hierarchical marriages are not the most contended. Competing with each other is immature and counterproductive to a healthy relationship, unless of course, it’s a board game, and then all bets are off. Seriously, competition is NOT a value or principle of a relationship based on mutuality. I have lived a non-hierarchical marriage for 25 years and we have never competed for free time, who earns the most, who does the chores, etc. Not once. Promise. What you are describing, IMO, is insecurity, power-grasping, game-playing that a whole lot of growing up and finding identity in Christ would cure. The more spiritually, emotionally healthy a man and woman are, the less conflict over trivial things you will have. Life throws enough hard punches as it is, i.e. health issues, economic downturns, loss of parent, etc., I don’t know how couples have the energy to quibble over such minor issues in order to guard their egos. Maturity will help a man realize a good-willed wife is not his competition, and maturity will help a woman realize a good-willed husband is not her competition.
I understand you believe that a hierarchy is what works best for you. However, please know a hierarchy is not necessary for a graciously respectful wife to take care of the home, even homeschool the children, foster a welcoming and comfortable environment and to lovingly prepare her husband’s favorite meals every night.
I would not go to the consequences of the fall for re-enforcement of my male-female relationships. Genesis 3 is descriptive not prescriptive. Genesis 1 where both are created as co-vice regents and given responsibility to steward creation is where I go, especially post-Calvary, because Calvary changes Genesis 3. No where in scripture is man/husband told to lead or rule his wife. No where. The Ephesian husbands are told to agape. Agape, that’s it, contra the philosophers. Women are not called to be like the church. Husbands are not called to be like Christ in relation to the church. Male and female are the church. All believers, collectively the church, are called to be like Christ and grow into the full measure of Christ. Ephesian husbands are told to love like Christ loved the church; that is altogether different.
After reading and responding as I went, at the end, I get to this: “Yes, the Holy Spirit sanctifies us gradually throughout a marriage. I think if a couple are Christian that ultimately the most important thing they can cling to is the examples of the bible. If they are doing that, it doesn’t matter what kind of marriage they have, they are going to be okay. God comes first, then everything else works itself out. That’s probably why your marriage is so successful.” This is my point. Hierarchy is not necessary for all but some my find it helpful or necessary for themselves. For others, forcing something perceived as “biblical” causes more harm than good. May you both not grow weary in doing well as you do all for the glory and fame of Christ.
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