A foreign woman ran up to me and put it in my hand and said “Here you go, starfish, be happy! be smiley!” This is the Royal Starfish. The Astropecten articulatus. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Every once in awhile I run across a man complaining on the internet that his wife just lays in bed like a starfish while they have sex. Yes he gets sex, but it isn’t that fun and it doesn’t seem like she really likes it, so he is unsatisfied. Unfortunately, I’ve been starfish sex woman in my past; and the sad part of the story is that I was really content. Sometimes I’d orgasm and sometimes he’d just do his thing and that’s what I thought sex was. I’ll admit, it was a little boring at times, but I just didn’t know there could be more to sex, so I just tried my best to be happy. I had no idea it was so awful for my husband and he wasn’t about to tell me about my sexual inadequacies because that just felt like he was begging for me to like him more and that doesn’t feel right. Sex isn’t as high of a need for women as it is for men, so it isn’t that big of a deal for a woman if sex isn’t super exciting all the time; but for a man it is a huge deal. The problem with this is that if you don’t tell your wife what a big deal it is, she’s not going to know, she probably assumes you are just like her and that men and women aren’t really that different, this is what I thought. A good way to explain it to her is by using her needs as an example, you could say, “Honey, how would you feel if I just stopped talking to you and I let you do all the talking. Not only that, but every time you talked to me, I just did what I was doing and didn’t look at you or really acknowledge you when you talked.” That is something your wife will understand, she KNOWS talking is important. Talking is a NEED of hers just like sex is a NEED of yours. If you are not happy with your sex life, it is your responsibility to let your wife know, because we don’t naturally understand men’s minds. We don’t have a clue what sex is supposed to look like (especially if we don’t watch porn), so figure out what you want out of sex and let your wife know. There is a good happy medium between starfish sex and porn sex. If you want her to moan and purr all throughout sex, tell her. If you want her to tell you how amazing and huge your dick is and how much she loves it, you have to tell her. If you want her to do most of the work sometimes, you have to tell her.
I’ve been reading the strangest blogs lately trying to figure out how to be good at sex. I just know that I’m not good enough and that my husband hasn’t been happy in the past, and I’ve tried so many weird things out on him lately, I’m not sure if he thinks I’m psycho crazy lady or if I’m just super into him. I don’t know if he likes dirty words during sex or if he wants me to be sweet and quiet. I ask him and all I get is, “Well, I really like how hard you are trying to make me happy.” Or “You seem enthusiastic!” There is no grading scale when it comes to sex, so the only way I know if I’m successful is by him saying so. And no, grabbing my boobs is not a signal to me that you like me, men actually need to use words if they want their wives to continue (or discontinue) doing something sexually. (We have needs too!)
The funny thing is though, (if I’m honest with myself); I wonder why do I have to go to the internet and read strangers’ blogs to figure out what my husband likes? This shouldn’t be necessary, my husband should be teaching me how to have sex, not strangers. So husbands, your wives want to make you happy, they really do; it’s your job to teach them the skills they need to know because most wives aren’t going to watch porn, and most wives aren’t going to wade through the blogs of men to figure out sex tips, and most wives aren’t going to study movies to figure out how to be good at sex, they are depending on you. It’s up to you to fix your sex life if you’re not happy with it. I believe that there is a sexual awakening process for every woman to go through that men need to gradually coax and encourage out of them.
Ladies, if you are currently a starfish woman, you are missing out on a lot of great sex, also you are missing out on a valuable opportunity to encourage and show your husband his significance in your life. When we have sex with our husbands and admire, encourage and let them know how wonderful they are, it greatly increases their self-worth and satisfies a deep need in them. So be loud and enthusiastic, try begging for his dick because you want it so badly, want him and let him know in obvious ways that you want him, show up naked in the living room and coax him into the bedroom with you. It is our job as wives to let our husbands know they are deeply loved, fully pleasing to us, and completely accepted and sex is an amazing opportunity for us to do that.
Related articles
- Who Should Initiate Sex? (passionatechristianmarriage.wordpress.com)
Tagged: Advice, Christian Marriage, Christian Sex, Husband, Libido, Pleasing Your Husband, Relationships, Sex, Sexual intercourse, Wife
Good article. I think the starfish analogy is much better than the “limp-rag” analogy…just sounds a lot better I suppose. My wife has struggled (well, I’m not sure it was her struggling or if I was struggling with her outcome) with all of this. When we’re having sex, for the most part, she’s into it. I think for me when I think of her not engaging our sex life, it goes beyond just the activity itself. It’s how sex is communicated, and how it sometimes evolves into just something we need to do to keep the marriage healthy. To go further in your talking comparison, I assume generally that women aren’t satisfied with the man just obliging in conversation, and that when they feel their man WANTS to talk with them and looks forward to talking with them and shows them how important it is that they find their satisfaction. Not necessarily in the conversation itself. Well, the same for me. I need/want to know that sex is important, a part of who she is, and something she wants to do. Only then, really, is sex satisfying on that complete level. Anyway…those are my brief 2 cents…
I am curious a little what some of these things you’ve been trying out are, and what blogs you’re looking at? I do agree that the onus falls on the man to talk about what he wants, but I know for me, I have a difficult time verbalizing some things…and not wanting to sound like a freak for “suggesting” something. Any good resources to help out?
Hello SD,
Welcome to the blog! I’m not shy, I talk about most of my sexual endeavors here on this blog (a little). It is easier for the woman to ask for sex than it is for men, my husband’s kind of given me free reigns on trying new things. Often I’ll send him an email of something I’m interested in if I’m too embarrassed to talk about it.
My husband has requested this one several times,
http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/05/sexy-move-some-homework-for-the-weekend/
I hope you like it!
Beta Move: Take A Bath This is one of my favorites to do also, it’s a good one to do before trying new things.
Excellent article.
Thanks Hearthie, I looked for Sacred Marriage books yesterday at the library but they were checked out, next time maybe?
Sacred Marriage is great, but for you I might start with Sacred Influence. I think it’s more where you’re at. At least the last half of the book! I think you’ve got the first half covered.
I might have to order that one. I looked but they didn’t have it.
Hahaha Sis I opened that link, but closed it immediately when it said about long hair being sexy, my hubby likes short sexy hair on my head and no hair on my cookie. The brazillian is a whole other blog post and would get me off track — easily done sometimes!
A couple of thoughts sprang into my head as I was reading this post (beautifully written, as usual!). First thing was: I’ve heard from friends and from internet wives lamenting, he expects me to respond like I’m eating Chocolate Cheesecake with rich ganache – when all he’s feeding me is a vanilla Snackin Cake.
Second thing was: I remembered the post you did about Sheila Wrey G’s book, Good Girl’s Guide. And the responses to it – they were very telling and familiar to me: (paraphrasing here) – “I thought it would be just another boring Christian book on sex.” I too feel this. But because of everyone saying this one IS different, I will be giving it a read. My shelves are lined with scores of Christian marriage books and yes, I find little none of “useful” information in them in regard to sex. I mean REAL sex! The technique kind of sex. The practicalities of sex – not the ‘academics’.
I too, have found WAY more information online, and not mostly Christian sites. Is this wrong? (rhetorical question) Well, the evidence of our more than rambunctious sex life says no. We broke our bed 2 weeks ago! (hehe, not bad for both of us approaching 50!)
Everybody agrees that sex is a MAJOR part of the marriage relationship, and yet where do we go to find truth, real truth and the how to’s? I was discussing this very subject with a good friend of mine last week and we both agreed that you can’t exactly belly up to the prayer line or the ladies bible study group and ask, “Can you PLEASE tell me how to give my husband a real good blowjob so that his eyes roll back in his head.”
In a nutshell, most, not ALL, but surely most Christians are afraid to venture into these conversations, and when they do (from books I mean) they talk in soft euphemsims. Not so with the secular world, most discussions I find to be clear, concise and …. primal. I see a biblical truth here: “My people SUFFER from lack of knowledge.”
The short hair/long hair thing is very debatable, I think going with what your husband likes is best. The comparison of eating a Chocolate Cheesecake with rich ganache is a good one. My husband told me last night, “I just want whatever you say to be real and not fake because if it’s fake, then I get distracted by wondering.” I wish there were more Christian sites that got into the details of sex (hence one of the main reasons for this one), it would be helpful.
I get what your saying about learning about sex from the internet, there is no way I could talk about this stuff with my real life girlfriends. Way to go on breaking the bed, our mattresses are on the floor right now due to renovations, so I don’t think that’s possible for us, but it’s funny, he was probably like “Oh yeah!” I wonder if your husband bragged to any of his friends, what a great ego booster for him. I can imagine him going into work the next day thinking about it.
OH renoes … yay for you!! As a matter of fact, he did brag! At first I was a little like o.O but then I figure, I get to brag about the romantic gestures of cards, flowers and dinners and such that he brings to the marriage for me; so why not brag about the sexual gestures that I bring for him!
Why not indeed! You’ve got me all wondering about trying a Brazilian out, does it hurt like crazy? How do you stand it?
well … it hurt like a *(%)& !!!! … but only the first time. It’s actually not too bad now, as long as you don’t let the regrowth get too long. Besides it being a major turn on for him, it takes YOU to a whole new level with cunnilingus. My pleasure wasn’t the aim here … just a nice added benefit! I didn’t tell him I was going to do it either; boy was he surprised! Sis, don’t wait as long as I did. I pondered this for almost 2 years, it is SOOO worth it. It’s only about 15 mins of discomfort but yields hours of pleasure!
Of course if hubby’s not into it, it could backfire on you, but it sounds like you and yours are pretty open with each other.
I enjoy your openness about this issue most people like to pretend about. To tell you the truth, we often struggle about the issue of sex, especially in christian marriages and most times no clergy wants to set aside his piety and explain things properly. Like when we attend seminars and all that, they just skim the surface of the issue of sex. However, I must point out that sometimes the men are a little too touchy about it. When you tell a man something you would like him to do to you, he’ll feel his ego is bruised and sulk (yea they sulk too sometimes). What then do you advice in such a situation?
Hello femmetotale,
It’s good to see you again! I agree, it is difficult to talk about sex within Christianity. Men are incredibly touchy about sex because it means so much to them. Men’s self- worth is often wrapped up in their sex lives and if you can make him feel invincible in the bedroom, he will feel like a king. So a criticism about sex, isn’t just about sex, it is deeply personal. It’s okay to ask for new things, try to phrase it in a way like it seems you are enthusiastic about doing it instead of a criticism. He needs to know you want him and you love sex.
Yeah, the whole talking thing doesn’t work for everyone. When I tell her what I would like, she takes it as an attack. I tell her it’s not, but just what I would like. She says I should be happy with what she is providing and I shouldn’t try to change her. Then the other day, she got offended by something I said (which happens quite often by the way). I told her I would never intentionally try to offend her and that she just had to trust that. I also told her that as I understood the rules of the game, I didn’t need to change the way I said things, because that is just how I am and she shouldn’t try to change me. She got the message, but somehow thinks that I need to change, but she doesn’t. I told her, “look, I would love to be in a relationship where we both try to make efforts to accommodate each other and to do the things that would be most pleasing. But that is not the rules that you have chosen. I can be happy with your rules, but they have to apply in both directions.” So yeah, despite my best efforts, I am pretty much stuck with starfish sex. I wrote a great post about it today.
Hey married-muser, it’s good to have you back! I’ll take a look at your blog.
[...] Starfish Sex Woman (passionatechristianmarriage.wordpress.com) [...]
Pretty! This was an extremely wonderful post. Thanks for providing these details.
This piece of writing gives clear idea for the new visitors
of blogging, that really how to do blogging and site-building.
Hmm it appears like your website ate my first comment (it was extremely long) so I guess I’ll just sum it up what I had written and say, I’m thoroughly enjoying
your blog. I as well am an aspiring blog blogger but I’m still new to everything. Do you have any recommendations for inexperienced blog writers? I’d really appreciate it.