Many women look at ideas like submission, obey your husband, respect, and think it means you are being a doormat. The reality is, is that submission, obedience and respect are tools to change your husband’s heart, they are the key to open the door to his mind. They work much better to influence him than yelling, standing up for yourself, belittling him, nagging and giving him what he deserves. Fighting against him is like ramming on a metal door that only gets stronger the more you hit it, and ironically, you have the key in your pocket, you just have to subdue your natural instincts and use your keys.
“Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9)
“If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this you will reap burning coals on his head” (Romans 12:20)
I realize that it’s weird to refer to your husband as your enemy, but it many marriages where spouses hurt each other often and badly, that is exactly what he feels like; so I think it is important to give women tools that are more effective than what they are used to fighting with. I can’t promise you that submission, respect, and kindness will change your husband, but if they don’t, they will change you and if you have been changed then your marriage has gotten a little better. Men can sense when a woman has lost respect for him, and their natural response to being confronted with a wrongdoing is to put up their defenses and fight back. A woman’s natural response to confrontation is to feel guilty and try harder. I’m not saying this is a Christian man’s response, if your husband has figured out a way above it, good for him; but most men fight back. Look carefully at your husband and see if his walls are up, if you don’t believe me; watch carefully his response the next time you attack him. Does he fight back or does he say “what can I do to fix this?”. If he’s a fighter, then you need to find a new way to deal with him that allows him not to be defensive.
I also don’t think we should ignore when our husbands hurt us and just take it. This builds resentment in us and makes us withdraw from them, but sometimes we have to step back from the situation, give our pain to God, and make a battle plan. Our immediate defense might be more detrimental to changing him than stepping back and choosing how to handle it wisely. We need to make him aware that a certain behavior is not acceptable to us. It could be flirting with other women, insulting you in front of others, grabbing you in front of the children. You know your husband and you know best who you are working with. Recently I’ve discovered that if I just wait 24 hrs to calm down and tell him in a reasonable, respectful way; that it is very effective and he doesn’t feel attacked in the moment. At other times, I know it is a bigger issue that stems from past hurts and insecurity that he has experienced and the best way to change his behavior is by not mentioning it and by affirming him and reminding him of the amazing man who God has made him.
So while it looks to the world like being a doormat, it is really a battle and instead of using a battering ram to win, we need to find a better way to enter inside the castle walls so that we aren’t crushed.
- Advice for Making Your Wife More Sexually Adventurous (passionatechristianmarriage.wordpress.com)
- Starfish Sex Woman (passionatechristianmarriage.wordpress.com)
- What First Made Your Spouse Attracted To You (passionatechristianmarriage.wordpress.com)
- When You’re Not Enough and Trying Too Hard (Passionate Christian Marriage)