The other day Sunshine Mary had a post up about how the church was disrespecting men, and I read it five or six times before I could figure out how men were being disrespected in the situation. Finally I said to myself, that God says we should think of marriage as a model of Christ and the church, so let’s look at this situation from that perspective. It was a lightbulb moment for me, I would never put the blame on Christ, whereas the article was completely putting the blame on the man. God asked men to sacrifice like Christ but at the same time he gave them ultimate respect by comparing them to Christ. God could have made the marriage model captain/first officer, but he didn’t, he made it Christ and the church which is much more powerful. We often look at this from the perspective that we need to sacrifice for each other, but rarely have I seen people give husbands the respect that they would give Christ. The bar doesn’t get set any higher than that for respect. So based on the Christ and the church model, here are some ways that wives unintentionally disrespect their husbands, and if you have any doubts about any of these I want you to ask yourself, “would I do that to Christ?”
-correcting him
-telling him to be careful
-fixing something he’s done
-interrupting
-not giving him your complete attention
-dressing sloppy
-mothering him
-nagging
-putting him down
-getting promoted over him
-supporting him financially
-not being interested in sex
-not being able to orgasm
-getting distracted during sex
-blaming him for the problem
-putting the kids above him
-putting work or your boss above him
-ignoring him
-not doing what he expects
-yelling at him
-not trying to please him
-flirting with other men
-not defending him
-embarrassing him
-not spending his money wisely
-getting fat
-doubting or challenging his ability at something
-bossing
-losing your virginity before him
-not respecting yourself
-micromanaging him
-not taking his last name
Now I know your husband is not Christ, so you can’t expect him to be perfect but you can give him the level of respect that you would give Christ. There’s one thing I didn’t add to the list and that is
-assuming he doesn’t sin
We have to assume that our husband is a sinner or else we would blame ourselves for things that aren’t our fault, but even though he is a sinner we are not responsible for correcting his sin, that is God’s job and the job of the men and church. Wives are only responsible for respecting and loving their husband and not enabling sin, we are also able to tell our husbands when they have hurt us in respectful ways.
I also know that wives need grace when looking at this list, we are going to break some of these rules and sometimes we are breaking them with his permission, but there is still a consequence of lack of respect and we need to be aware of the effects we are having on men when we don’t respect them.
Related articles
- When my Husband Hurts Me – What Does God Desire Me to Do? (peacefulwife.com)
Very well done, Sis. Aren’t light bulb moments grand?
Thank you Elspeth, your opinion means so much to me.
Eureeka! This was a great list Sis! I’m very pleased with myself because this was the year that beat-out #2 on the list: I stopped telling my husband to be careful, and started telling him to have fun!
For what it’s worth. We know you are just concerned for our well-being when you admonish us to be careful. We don’t always do the safe or smart thing. Our auto insurance premiums reflect that, if nothing else. But, yeah. It is nicer hearing, ”Have fun and enjoy yourself.” If you get impatient and call before we get home, don’t ask what time we’ll get there. Try “I was just wondering if you would feel like X for dinner or something else? Okay. Give me a call when you start home and I’ll try to have it ready when you get her.” You got to check up on our return time without us catching on and then asked our help with making a decision. The decision part let the other part just slip right by. We can be so easy sometimes.
Dan, you are a unique man and the more a man puts his self-worth in Christ and not in what people around him think, the less this list applies to him.
Hi Robyn, I always wince when I hear a wife telling her husband to be careful, I even catch myself doing it sometimes still.
I look forward to going over these with my wife and getting her input. Not looking to teach her anything or point out shortcomings, just seeing what her opinions are and if she has anything to add or take issue with. I wouldn’t dare give it to her as a “How to” list. Not that insensitive, stupid, or chauvanistic. Now where is the list for us husbands and how not to disrespect our wives?. Open the floodgates.
Thank you for this I will examine this list. At this point I am willing to get whatever help I can.
Vonnie, I think forgiveness and learning how to respect are key to making your marriage work. Don’t lose hope, God does miracles.
http://youtu.be/MglUhQZ6bVA this was very helpful
I really like peacefulwife’s stuff, feel free to ask her questions too, she has a lot of wisdom, maybe more than me
“not being able to orgasm”
????
Good points, but I don’t understand how the above is disrespecting one’s husband. It’s not as if we can simply will an orgasm in 2 minutes or less; if only it were that easy! Women’s sexual response is much more complicated than a man’s. It varies from woman to woman, it changes thru the years; it just doesn’t happen sometimes and it doesn’t mean we don’t love or feel attraction to our husbands.
Hi Lurky, you will notice I put unintentionally disrespect. Here’s how I arrived at the orgasm one. A man is expected/supposed to be able to make a woman orgasm, he gets immense self-worth points when he knows he is sexually capable. Therefore he loses self-respect and wife respect if he is unable to make her orgasm. Therefore, it is disrespect and it is partially the fault of the wife.
I’m not a woman and even I don’t agree with that one. I believe statistically only about 30% of women experience orgasm during vaginal intercourse. Doesn’t seem a reasonable cause for disrespect.
What Dan??? You thought I was crazy and you were just going to leave me crazy? Any others you think are crazy?
No way I would hang you out to dry, Sis. When I wrote my comment, I did not have the vis-a-vis benefit of your above illustrative example explaining your comment as only your unique thougt process would divine it. I can see how using that logic one might find support for your point about orgasm. Being the guy I am, and an astute student of female sexual response, I don’t feel inadequate if I do not BRING, as opposed to MAKE, my partner to orgasm. Sometimes even I personally don’t achieve the Big O but do not fault my wife. She does somehow always want to assume some culpability in the failure though. So, you may (choke) have a point. On the other hand, tonight for about an hour and a half, i scored many, many, many, -actually almost countless- “self-esteem points”, perhaps thus validating your point. Yes, I love to have my cake and eat it too. Out of the benevolence of my immense feelings of self-worth, I will show some grace and not address the remaing 31 points. There will no doubt be sufficient umbridge taken by others in my stead. “Unintentionally” is the qualifying modifier as you pointed out.
Did I make it sound like I thought I was pretty hot stuff above? Maybe I’m not so unique after all. LOL
Congratulations on a succesful night!
Dear Sis,
Very well written. It’s about the emotional, physical and spiritual ways of respect.
I have send my wife a link of this article.
Stay in the blessing.
Thank you Reggea, I hope she likes it.
Okay, I’m with you on most of these. I think the ones that I’m not it is because I am doing them in submission to my husband. In particular:
Fixing things he’s done: “Ringmistress, you’re the detail oriented one. Can you salvage the spackling work on this project.”
(Incidentally, I have to restrain myself on this one with everyone, not just my husband. It drives me batty when guests fold my towels wrong, but it would be inhospitable to say so, especially when they’re visiting to give post-partum help.)
Nagging him: he really has asked me to nag him. Although I suppose “hold him accountable” is more correct, when you get down to brass tacks. He knows he is fallible, and that laziness is one of the crosses we both bear. So I’ve been asked to keep on him when I need him to do something, although the more specific I am, the better. So “Could you please put away the dishes and get the table set while I finish dinner?” works better than “Dear, I need you in here right now!”
I’m not sure that we can stand by and let our spouses fall into sin and hope that someone else might correct them. But there is a way to do so that respects them as a person and as a leader. A First Officer can offer respectful correction to his Commanding Officer. A Queen or Councillor can (and has) gently admonished the King. We would make tyrants of men in authority if they could not be corrected. But this may be where the advantage of third party may be of immense help. My husband and I share a spiritual director. We can speak to him jointly in a way that I can bring up my concerns but correction comes from him.
Oh I have to do some of these things too, exactly like you are saying, it wouldn’t be a healthy marriage if a woman never told her husband anything he did wrong. But there are side effects of when we do these things and we need to try to do them in the most respectful manner possible and be aware that we are hurting, if only a little bit.
It is really great that you are wise enough to a) ask, not tell him when you need help in the kitchen. Kitchen help doesn’t bother me since I like to cook(could be becasue I like to eat) but some alpha males may regard it as “woman’s work”. I always do the dishes too, no matter who cooks, especially at family get-togethers. She has usually been cooking the better part of the day and it allows her time to spend with the kids and grandkids. The other wise thing: b) you preface that request with a “please” and use the word “help.” Boy are we big strong knights suckers for helping our damsels in distress, and who can refuse it when the magic “please” honey, sweetheart, dear, or secret pet bedroom nickname is invoked. (Just like when the kids plead Mom to reconsider with the universal littany of “Please, please, please, please, puh-leeeeeeZe?”) Then watch and see if Sir Knight doesn’t follow up vanquishing the dragon with this query, “Do you need me to help with anything else, Hon?” I have to stop giving these secrets away or I’m going to be banished from the Red Green Men’s Club.
think you should write your own blog userdand, good stuff!
Good list. Thanks. I think my wife and I would meet most of those points.
She did used to cheek me in public a few years ago, but I came to understand the dynamic a bit better, and she doesn’t seem to do that these days. In fact, she has even asked my permission and apologised in public once or twice recently.
I always expect my wife to say, Please, if she asks me to do something.
I don’t expect fireworks in bed from her. Compliance is sufficient.
I have always been glad my wife was a virgin. I don’t understand why so many men seem not to care about this. And her taking my name was a requirement.
As for household tasks, I don’t mind cooking, cleaning up kitchen surfaces, vacuuming. But there are certain tasks I don’t do. I won’t run laundry, for example. Or mop, or clean the bathrooms.
I should have added that I have always sat at the head of the table, and my wife serves the meal, even if I have cooked it.
My husband won’t touch the laundry either, we just started having him sit at the head of the table, but sometimes he has to fight our two year old for the seat, she seems to prefer it.
My young wife put me at the head of the table 27 years ago.
I agree with most of the items on your list.