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One of my friends’ mother has lost her home because the water was leaking and she moved out and didn’t tell anyone so everything molded and was ruined. Her kids found it a few months later and had to throw everything away, pictures, furniture, everything was ruined. The grandma’s husband is in prison and she gives most of her paycheck to him every month, her life is a mess, she doesn’t take care of herself and she doesn’t give to her kids and her grandkids. She gives her money to her inmate husband, why? This kindness does not glorify God.
Athol Kay had an excellent post up yesterday Porn Addict Husband Turns Wife Down For Sex about a woman who’s husband was a porn addict. She had worked very hard to keep his attention, but he’s addicted.
“I figured early on it was because I was preg. Then I lost all the weight and initiated and told him I wanted wild crazy, loving, any kind of sex. I have heard every excuse in the world to its me, him, kids, job, etc. He had always looked at porn. That’s one reason I put the tracker on I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t want sex. I was never opposed to porn before, I was like that’s cool and that’s hot. %#$, I have offered 3somes for him. Anyway, he always lies about the porn, I will make it obvious that I’m taking off work and want one on one time and he will look at it before them and not be interested afterwards. This has happened countless times.”
You don’t tell this woman to wash her husband’s feet like Christ did, you don’t tell her to be a servant and submissive wife, you don’t tell her to try harder with him…that’s not glorifying to God.
A woman whose husband is unfaithful and she initiates sex for an entire year every single day, she finds her inner slut to please him, she starts a blog about how wives need to have more sex with their husbands to keep them faithful. She does everything she can think of to improve her marriage. This is not glorifying to God. She should instead work on herself, work on her goals, work on her fitness and beauty levels and leave the marriage work to him. She should be pursued not be the pursuer.
I KNOW I have a large following here of women whose husbands are not giving as much as they are getting, and telling you to be nicer and more submissive is not going to help your situation and it isn’t glorifying to God. I can’t wrap my mind around how the bible addresses this kind of abuse other than it tells us to be wise. It tells us we are worthy and it tells us that God should be our first priority. The bible tells us to respect our husbands, so respect him, be pleasant, be kind, be sexually available, let him lead if he feels like it, but don’t revolve your world around his needs, his addictions, and don’t be his lapdog.
Stop trying to win his favors and work on yourself, work on your relationship with God, work on your personal goals, spend time with your kids and find something to be passionate about. Keep your marriage going, don’t give up on it, when he brings you that cold iced tea kiss him all over the place, reward him well for being nice back to you. Keep having sex, initiate or don’t initiate, do what you feel like, but stop living in fear of losing him, stop living to please him only. You have a life, you are worthy, find your path and follow it.
The traditional Christian advice doesn’t work in these situations, we are to glorify God in all we do, marriage is about sacrifice, but worthy sacrifice. The proverbs 31 woman takes care of herself (vs 17), she has worthy goals (vs 20), she has her priorities correct (vs 30), she respects her husband and he can trust her (vs 11-12), she is worthy of respect (vs 28-29). Are you worthy of respect or is all your energy going towards pleasing your husband? Do not be a fool, find your dignity, glorify God in everything you do.
10 Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies.
11 The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
12 She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
13 She seeketh wool, and flax, and worketh willingly with her hands.
14 She is like the merchants’ ships; she bringeth her food from afar.
15 She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
16 She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.
17 She girdeth her loins with strength, and strengtheneth her arms.
18 She perceiveth that her merchandise is good: her candle goeth not out by night.
19 She layeth her hands to the spindle, and her hands hold the distaff.
20 She stretcheth out her hand to the poor; yea, she reacheth forth her hands to the needy.
21 She is not afraid of the snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet.
22 She maketh herself coverings of tapestry; her clothing is silk and purple.
23 Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
24 She maketh fine linen, and selleth it; and delivereth girdles unto the merchant.
25 Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.
26 She openeth her mouth with wisdom; and in her tongue is the law of kindness.
27 She looketh well to the ways of her household, and eateth not the bread of idleness.
28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.
29 Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all.
30 Favour is deceitful, and beauty is vain: but a woman that feareth the Lord, she shall be praised.
31 Give her of the fruit of her hands; and let her own works praise her in the gates.