Morticia said something awhile ago about how fun it would be to corrupt Superman. (Tortured Soul or Disarming Innocence) The rest of the women in the conversation admitted they would much rather be corrupted by Batman. Superman is the good guy, Batman’s a good guy too but he has this dark troubled side to him and you know that left alone in a room with him, he’d be sexually unpredictable. This weird conversation got me thinking about my husband and what roles we played in our marriage. There was no doubt in my mind he was the corrupter and I was the good girl. He is my viking warrior and I am his princess. He is almost always pushing my limits and challenging me to let my guard down, to have more fun. He’ll even come attack me with tickling till I fall on the floor and eventually give in to something much more exciting. He is the conqueror and I am the conquered, it’s an undertone that is a big part of our daily life now and it was a big part of our life when we were dating.
After we married, we lost this sexual tension because suddenly he didn’t have to try hard for me anymore and I lost the sexual anticipation and foreplay that was a big part of our interactions because of course I was supposed to have sex with him and not make him work for it. After the initial excitement of “WE GET TO HAVE SEX!!!!!” wore off, sex was kind of disappointing, there was no sexual tension. Soon he discovered I had new boundaries like “not allowed to grab my bottom” or “not allowed to grab my boobs outside of the bedroom”, and he tried to conquer these because that is his masculine nature and when I wouldn’t allow it because of my feminine (modesty) nature he grew frustrated with me and I was frustrated with him.
Many marriages are missing this sexual tension because the wife is “too easy” in the bedroom and her boundaries are “too high” outside of the bedroom. Husbands thrive on winning, so let him win you. Put up a little resistance out of modesty but end up with him being so irresistible that you can’t help but give in. You might just discover it is incredibly exciting. This corrupter/good girl dynamic fulfills his needs to compete, to win, to feel powerful, to feel like a man and to feel respected. It fulfills her needs to be loved, to be chased and to feel like a woman. Oh, and once a month during ovulation week when your mind is going crazy with dirty fantasies, switch roles on him. Also I’ve heard there are many successful marriages where the dynamic is switched; where he wants to rescue the bad girl from herself.
Sidenote: Of course I had to think about how this fit in with Christianity and if it was a sinful dynamic to have in a marriage. Shouldn’t we both be trying to be the “good” person all of the time? My husband answered this well for me. He reminded me of the story of the prodigal sons where one son is “good” and stays home and works for his father and the other son rebels and runs away with his inheritance money. When the rebellious son returns home humbled and repentant, his father forgives him, has a party for him and welcomes him home with open arms. This makes the righteous son angry because he doesn’t think his brother deserves all the special treatment but what he forgets is we are not saved by our works, our works do not make us righteous. Only God’s grace and Christ dying on the cross for our sins makes us righteous. Nothing we do on our own makes us righteous. There is a balance between being too prideful of our righteousness and being too caught up in sin where we need to be. So delight in God, delight in your husband’s natural masculinity and don’t try to suppress it with too many rules. Accept and enjoy your husbands and make them feel like men
Tagged: Batman, Christ, Christian Marriage, Christian Sex, Christianity, Marriage, Pleasing Your Husband, Relationships, Seductive, Sex, Sexology, Sexual intercourse, Sexual tension, Sexuality, Sizzler, The Good Girl
good for you! You stopped stopping writing about sex!
The correlation of your readers as corrupters and you as the blogstress is not at all tenuous.
Hahaha, I didn’t catch on to that insinuation when I was writing this, this post idea has been in my head for several days.
I lost a booking tomorrow so I will comment then. Too tired tonight. Spent the last two days in a room with about 2,000 finley dressed, highly made-up women and I am worn out. Never seen so many stiletto heels in one place. By the way, WHAT is this post about? You drive me carzy, girl! God show mercy to that Viking Warrior.
Speaking of stiltto heels (well, I was anyway): yet another avatar and with really cute shoes! Works for me. I prefer peep toe, but those will do. I obviously have a thing about heels and the ladies in them. I had a ball the last three days. So much positive energy.
Thank you!
Sunshine Mary had that common theme that constantly cropped up. Perhaps stilettos can be Sis’s schtick.
As long as I get to re-decorate my blog and change my avatar as much as I want, I’m good. I like this avatar, but summer will be here soon and I might need to change again to fit the season.
“II might need to change again to fit the season.”
“MIGHT”??? A Las Vegas bookie wouldn’t give you even odds on that one.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL ROFL!!!!!!!
There are quite a few topics covered in this post, hadn’t noticed that. Sweet dreams.
This post helped better define “Why I stopped…” Maybe not so much bunkum. Night, Sis.
Have you written anything on what happens when the husband doesn’t, hasnt, or hasn’t ever tried to pursue, to conquer? My husband practically gave up when I said yes to his proposal. We were part of a congregation that did not encourage any kind of intimacy outside of holding hands. Even after a year of engagement I felt like I hardly knew him. I loved him and I was extremely open. But I’ve never been the pursuee. He doesn’t really seem to even care about physical intimacy. We are loyal and faithful but I wish I could understand him better. Maybe you could ask your husband what he thinks about this. I would love any advice you have to offer
<3 I just want to love and respect my husband and not feel rejected or resentful. We've been married almost 8 years now. I feel like if I can understand him better than I wont be hurt because my expectations will fit more of who he is, not who I imagine he should be. Thank you.
I’ve never dealt with that. I’ve heard that when the man isn’t interested in sex at all, one reason might be because he’d rather have a mother than a wife; refuse to be his mother. Also it might be a testosterone issue or something bad that happened in his past. I don’t know, but it also might just be an insecurity issue. Maybe pornography? I know some other bloggers who deal with this, let me find one for you.
Thank you for your candid and thoughtful response. I know it isn’t pornography for sure. But I’ve wondered about the”wanting a Mother” concept.
http://intimacyinmarriage.com/2011/08/09/wives-who-are-sexually-refused/
I like this woman’s advice a lot, I think she could help you better than me, read this post by her and feel free to ask her questions.
Thank you so much! I just love your blog and felt like I could just be open with you. Hope you are having a good night. <3
“I feel like if I can understand him better than I wont be hurt because my expectations will fit more of who he is, not who I imagine he should be.”
1)Do you really want to lower your expectations to avoid being hurt?
2)When you say “imagine” how he should be, do you really mean who you “desire” he should be?
3)Are you currently feeling a)rejected and b)resentful?
4)Do you feel he a)has not been open with you, and b)is currently not open with you.
It is importnat that you know the answers to these questions. You need to better define the nature of your relationship and what you would have it be if you could change it. Please give some deliberate though to those questions. You will not be changinc00001
Thank you. I will absolutely spend time thinking about those questions. The rest of your comment got erased and I’d be interested in reading the rest of your insight.
Sis is giving you good suggestions about things that may be issues for your husband. If he hasn’t seen a doctor about this, he really should. If i is just a hormonal issue, it may be easily treated. Of course, getting him to see a doctor is reliant on him feeling he has a problem. If he doesn’t feel it is a problem for him, then you have an even greater problem.
There are people who have no desire and don’t find the lack of sex a problem. Low desire in a man is not typical, but it is not all that rare either. Sex and marriage therapist David Schnarch say it is an issue in about 50% of his cases.
Have you talked about it in a deep way with your husband? I know you would be talking deeply, but would he respond from a deeper place or avoid the necessary honesty. There are any number of reason he may not be honest with himself, let alone you. He has to see it as a problem first and then acknowledge it as a problem to even have a productive discussion. After acknowledging the problem, he has to want to change. As I said earlier, you cannot change him. Your change, however, will create overall change in the relationship. That’s the upside. The downside is it may not be the change you desire or expect. That’s why I asked the questions I did. Be certain and specific as to how you define the issue, Be even more certain about your expectations as to how change looks and feels. I caution you so strongly because there will be change in the relationship the moment you start working on yourself. There will be much anxiety accompanying it which will create stress. It will be survivable, but you have to be ready for it. You will need to self-soothe and maintain flexibility within your marriage while growth is hopefully happening. If no growth happens, that is when things can become very difficult.
I’m so grateful for all of this very open advice. It’s been very difficult bc we grew up as Christians in a church that thought it was sinful for me to talk about these problems. I was told to pray for him. After 8 years of marriage I’ve had to cope on my own with no help. We are part of new church and we are freeing ourselves up. We’ve already seen some change in ourselves that has helped this area a little. But there is still this overall disinterest.
My suspicion is that has been depressed for many years and he has some need for a mother. We went to a counselor a couple times and he said the same thing about depression.
First I need to think about those questions.
Take your time on the questions. Better a well-considered and reasoned answer than a quick one. We’ll all still be here.
I spent quite a bit of time thinking about this. Early in the marriage I was concerned that there was a hormonal/physical problem, but then things turned around and were fine (in the physical department). I have suspected that he might be depressed. There is a type of depression that usually occurs after a difficult event and then persists in a more subtle fashion for years without the desperation, sadness, immobility or suicidal thoughts. Its more of an apathetic reaction. I have also wondered if he has Asperger’s Syndrome.
I have spoken to him many many times (more than I’d like to because I feel like I’m nagging him and the result is always the same). He will just respond with short answers or repeat exactly what I’ve said.
He is completely honest with me, but he is not an open person. Not because he is hiding something, or prefers to be private, but he simply doesn’t care (his own words). Its as if he can see my pain, and part of him feels bad, but its not enough to motivate him to change. He is very driven to self satisfaction in all areas of life. Our relationships are on his terms. He doesn’t seem to understand this even when I explain how his behavior makes me feel.
However, he does not want to see anyone because he does not want to change. So I have to try and change. Whether its to help him or protect myself. One way or another I cant keep going on the way I am. I’m exhausted. I do everything around the house. Now I have to do the budget and finances too. Thank goodness I’m a stay at home mom, but I homeschool so I’m dead tired and emotionally sucked dry.
I love my husband and I’m not trying to fix him. I really am just looking for insight as to why he might be this way and for ways I, as a Christian woman, can deal with these circumstances and be happy in the middle of it.
I really appreciate the insight I am receiving here.
I have thought about similar questions over the past year… I spent the day thinking about the questions you’ve posed. I feel like I’ve defined the nature of our relationship from my perspective and about what I would like it to be. I have shared this before with my husband in a non confrontational way. What should I do outside of telling him the same thing again? Thank you for your insight and help.
After careful consideration I decided to publicize my answers. Hestitant, because I’m afraid of painting my husband as “the bad guy”. He’s not. He has a past and an upbringing and teachings and lots of other things that have led him to a decision point. He has made his decision. I’ve made lots of bad ones too, mainly outbursts of anger.
Just to clarify, in another response I stated that he is driven to self satisfaction. That does not include things like pornography and physically pleasing himself. It means that he wont have sex unless he wants it. It means he wont take out the garbage unless it’s bugging him. He won’t pay the bills if they arent all pink telling him they are going to turn off our power. He won’t play with the kids unless he’s in the mood to do so. It’s a lifestyle of childlike, selfish behavior.
Here goes… this is all very raw
1)Do you really want to lower your expectations to avoid being hurt?
a) I’m confused as to what appropriate expectations are. I think that my expectations are not unreasonable but I feel like they are too high for “him”. He gets easily defeated about things he thinks he cant attain. So I’m willing to lower my expectations and take on extra work to help him find success. Like taking over the finances. Maybe I wont feel hurt then, because I see he is succeeding and growing. The alternative is that my expectations will be too high, nothing will change and I will continue to be hurt by this relationship.
2) When you say “imagine” how he should be, do you really mean who you “desire” he should be?
a) When I say “imagine”how he should be, I am saying that (based on what I’ve been told a man of God should do, act, respond and treat me) perhaps I’ve imagined some Super Hero Husband that is nothing more than a dream. Like in a fairy tale. Those unrealistic expectations create a fictional version of who my husband ‘should be’ in my mind, not how he actually is. I’m very confused and don’t know what is right. We’ve been taught certain things that seem both reasonable and impossible. I honestly don’t know if expecting him to pay the bills, take out the garbage, help with the lawn work, pursue me, romance me, bath the kids, play with the kids, woo me, desire me are reasonable or not? At this point, “I” think they are, but Ive been told by Godly authority I am to obey no matter what and I shouldn’t talk to anyone about it, including them because it was accusation (even though I had his permission and he was standing right there).
3) Are you currently feeling a)rejected and b)resentful?
a) I am not currently feeling rejected or resentful but have in the past in a roller coaster fashion over the last 8 years. Every time I’m faced with this struggle, I eventually decide that it is me who has to change. I cant change my husband, I can only change myself. I stuff the feelings down because they have driven me into a suicidal depression before. I cant afford to ever lose my children. So I cant let my husband affect me that way. I have hardened my heart a bit towards him. Though I never refuse him.
4) Do you feel he a)has not been open with you, and b)is currently not open with you.
a) I feel like he is completely honest with me. He is a very just and pure man. Though his relationship with Jesus has been distant, he still loves God with all of his heart. He is faithful to me. As far as open…He is not a person who will share if not asked. And bc he is not an introspective person, he avoids problems that require him to look inward. He can be very apathetic, blaise, indifferent or even dead emotionally in appearance. He says he feels something but he will just use one word answers. Mad, sad, angry, upset, and so on. He cant explain why he feels that way. When asked what he thinks about something he’ll say “you’re right” or “i don’t know” and no matter how hard I try he doesn’t seem to be able to go any deeper. I’ve even wondered for 3 years now, if he has Asperger’s Syndrome. I don’t believe he is withholding anything from me. I think he’s in serious denial about himself and he is admittedly “lazy”. He has said before that he does not want to change. He has said that he has only sought help, with me, to get me to be quiet about it. Even though I hardly push him about things, he considers me to be nagging him. I struggle with outbursts of anger because of this. He has thrown me “under the bus” and diverted attention off of himself to make me look bad. (Especially in front of Godly authority where that particular church was prone to favoring the man’s opinion over the woman’s). He has always, self admittedly, done whatever he’s wanted to do and gotten what he’s wanted. Now that he has his wife and two kids, my fear is that there is nothing more he wants from us.
Biggest anxiety – That I will end up in a marriage like my parents’. Sleeping in different rooms. Never touching each other again. Roommates. (I’ve fought my whole life against this and in all honesty, if I hadn’t felt like God clearly and specifically told me to marry my husband, I never would have. I love Jesus more than anything and I believed my husband would be good for me).
Deepest Pain – Being ignored, treated with indifference, used. This is exactly why I left home. I was ignored by my family. On game night, my dad, mom and brother would gang up on me to get me out of the game so they could play alone for hours. I would sit at the top of the stairs listening to them laugh and have fun or complain about me. They treated me like a foster child. They would be indifferent to my feelings and would never change something I told them hurt me. They could never own up to their part in hurting me. I was used physically by a family member, I was used as a maid, I was used as a verbal boxing dummy, and I was used as a scapegoat.
What do I really want? – I want to be happy, despite my circumstances. I just want to be free from the curse of rejection that has followed me all of my life. I’ve never felt the freedom in Christ that people talk about. I have dedicated the last 12 years of my life to loving and obeying Jesus and I’ve never experienced freedom from abuse.
I’m giving you a little bit different advice than I usually give because you are in a different situation that many women. I want you to let go of trying to please your husband, let go of trying to make him happy, and let go of the fear of losing him. Instead of focusing on your husband, spend your days focusing on God, taking care of the home, being a good mom, being sexually available. Give yourself completely to God and stop worrying about your husband. Whenever a worry about your husband pops into your head, replace it with one of God’s promises to provide for your needs. Repeat these promises to yourself often. It’s hard to let go of fear, so pray for strength to be able to do this. Your fear is a big wall between both of you being able to recover. You can be free in Christ, but it’s not going to happen through your husband. It will only happen when you find the strength to let go of your fear of losing your husband and you turn completely to God.
Respect him, but don’t bend over backwards to make him happy. Encourage him, but don’t expect anything from him. Also, I’m going to tell you to avoid conflict with him like the plague. Healthy marriages can handle conflict, when one spouse needs, the other spouse takes care of them. That advice doesn’t apply to you, you do not have a healthy marriage, when you bring up conflict he runs away and retreats into himself, he does not seem able to handle conflict right now, so when you have a problem take it to God, take it to your friends, suffer, but don’t expect him to take care of it. There will be things you absolutely need to tell him conflict-wise, do it in the gentlest, most non-confrontational way you can and then expect big resistance and maybe a big battle. Stay gentle, consistent and patient, but hold your ground on the important things.
Spend your days doing what you want to do, with devotionals to God and by growing closer to God. Stop thinking about your husband so much, work on your self-confidence and your self-improvement and do some things you enjoy to do. Also, I advise you to read this guy’s blog. He knows what he’s talking about, start with this post. http://wwnh.wordpress.com/2011/11/08/1440-guy%E2%80%99s-favorite-post/
There’s so much I want to say to help you that I probably didn’t mention. Ask any questions you need to. Prayers and Blessings.
“but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” Isaiah 40:31
Let go, let go, let go.
Sis,
That is the first piece of concrete advice I have received from anyone about how “I” should be handling this. That is what I have been searching for. I’ve wanted to understand my husband so that I can have the right perspective and change. Anything to preserve the relationship which is very troubled.
I’ve had people tell me that its me and I am being sinful or rebellious, but I’ve never had anyone verify what I already know to be the truth. I feel like I have been going crazy, literally. It so hard when dozens of people are telling you something that isnt true or they are not giving you the benefit of the doubt (ie. judging you wrongly). I really thought my sanity was walking out on me.
I know without a doubt that I can do what you’ve suggested here. I know that I haven’t let God define who I am and that probably needs to be my first change. I define myself by my circumstances and troubles, out of some leftover superstitious, quasi-spiritual, karma-like thinking. That occured to me as I began typing this paragraph. Today is the day that I give that to God!
I will definitely read the blog entry you linked. The baby just went down and I’ve got some time to do it. I cant tell you how much your blog has meant to me and thank you for being so tender towards me as I divulge my problems publicly… *forehead slap* LOL! I am just so desperate to love and respect my husband, find happiness, and I needed to know what my perspective, attitude, and behavior should be. I feel like I received more from you than I have in 8 years of marriage. I will absolutely commit to this. <3
Ouch. Just… ouch. Can I be honest with you and say that you’re in a bad place? Not that you don’t know it, but maybe having someone say, “Yeah, that sucks” will make you feel a little better.
No, you can’t change him. Every post you’ve made has said, “He says he doesn’t want to change”. Okay, he doesn’t want to change.
It’s not like you’re not going to pay the bills or feed your kids while you wait him out. This is not the “my hubs needs a bit of inspiration” situation. This is 911, Houston we have a problem.
Userdand has some great starting questions. You need to figure out what you need and what you want.
You then communicate those wants/needs in concrete, short sentences. “I want you to spend 15 minutes speaking to me, per night, face-to-face”. “I want you to help with the yardwork for a minimum of two hours per month”. “I want you to initiate intimacy with me once a week, except when I am cycling”. I strongly suggest that you write them out and hand them to him, keeping a copy for yourself.
Why doesn’t seem like it’s a hugely important question for him. He takes care of himself, he probably thinks you should do the same. But you’re going to have to tell him, “It makes me sad when I do not get loving touch”. “I feel that the children are going to miss out on a relationship with their father when they do not spend regular time with you”.
You know, if he doesn’t care that you’re sad – he doesn’t. I was about to write this whole MAP thing where you could “force” him to move… but you can’t. What you can do, in honor, is communicate very clearly what’s wrong and *that it is his responsibility* to fix it. If he chooses not to do that, then he chooses not to do that – and you can fix up the spare bedroom with a clean conscience.
As for bills and whatever – cut loose of that. Unless it’s something you need him to do because your heart is bleeding or you can’t do it because you’re a woman and he’s a man… leave that on the back burner. Don’t define your marriage by other people. You define it by the Bible, and you define it by what your needs are as a couple, that’s it.
Hope this helps! Will pray for you.
Agree with Hearthie!
O’Fritz,
My heart aches for you b/c I spent most of my marriage in the same place. My husband seldom wanted sex, but never told me why. It killed my self esteem and left me feeling frustrated and unloved.
I’ve been married 16 years and things didn’t start to turn around until a few months ago when I started searching the Internet for help. This is not something that I could discuss in my church’s ladies Bible study.
I found a now-defunct blog where the blogger basically explained that my husband was in sin, just as I would have been in sin for refusing him. The Bible clearly states that husband and wives are to satisfy each other unless they are taking a mutually agreed upon sabbatical from sex for the purpose of prayer and fasting.
I began to feel angry for all of the years I had suffered in silence and eventually worked up the courage to tell my husband that I didn’t want to live like brother and sister anymore. Since then, things have improved greatly. We’ve gone from having sex every month or so to twice a week. Yes, it’s still me initiating almost 100 percent of the time, but he is responsive and clearly enjoying himself so hopefully that will change.
There may be no way for you to find out why your husband isn’t into sex. All my husband has revealed to me is that he grew up Catholic believing it was somewhat deviant unless used for procreation and he has some body image issues. But, in the end, it doesn’t matter.
You don’t want to waste another 8 years being frustrated. It will eventually impact your love and respect for him. I’d sit him down; tell him his behavior is sinful; and tell him you’ll support him as he works to change his sinful behavior through counseling, medication, whatever.
He wants sex, but usually its just when he’s interested. Everything kind of revolves around him. Ive talked to him dozens and dozens and dozens of times. It comes down to this, I can’t change him. The truth can’t change him. Only he and God can make that happen.
but I won’t be bound to his selfishness anymore. Thank you for your heart felt sympathies! I appreciate the compassion and all the advice I’m receiving. You are completely right.
I’m going to just try to pursue my relationship with God and pursue my own interests. Time to step back from all the strife and do I need to do. If he wants to join me, I’ll be waiting
It sounds like you’re on the right track, how’s it going? Is God showing you where to go? Usually once you let go of trying to please your husband so much you naturally pull away and he pulls towards you and this is what you want but it might take some time. Blessings and praying for you!
After last weekends post he went on a week long business trip. I prayed a lot and really felt like what you advised me to do was a word from God specifically for me.
I prayed that Hod would take away my resentments do that I didn’t feel the need to lash out or to get hurt. I haven’t been doing as well as I thought at it which only shows me how much I need to get before God every morning and purpose myself to it.
I’m can’t even tell you how free my heart is! My emotions just need to line up with it
. I just know I can do this. Thank you so much… I wish I could hug you!
Oh good! I’m glad you are feeling better, it is hard but at least you’re going the right direction now.
Now that boxes aren’t blocking my view: You will not be changing him, but yourself. If you are really looking to change him, you can’t do that. YOUR change may create a desire in him to change, but it will be through his own decision to change and not your forcing change upon him. So, what is it you really want? What is the greatest anxiety you wish to soothe, and what is the deepest pain you wish to no longer feel? It all starts there. What is the one thing, if that is all that can ever happen, that you want changed most?
Tension makes for hot relationship. I wrote something similar before i read yours.
Good post, you and your husband seem to be the opposite of us in that you are more the temptress to him, the instigator. If I slapped my husband, even playfully, I’d end up on the floor with my hands behind my back. He is king of escalation so I have to be careful around him. I thought about switching roles with him once for a little bit, but the first thing I said was “we have to have some rules” and he laughed and said “I don’t think you understand now this works”. But we would have to have rules because he can’t stand to lose anything and is very competitive, he would escalate everything I did until I’d give up again so I gave up on that idea.
@Dan, wow 50%, that’s high.
Just to be clear, that is not 50% of ALL men, but the number who enter into marital or sex therapy.
Just be glad he is willing to play with you at all. Apparently a lot of men live in constant fear of going to jail. Sadly.
That would be awful, he would never hurt me.
Hearthie, I really appreciate your sympathy. I wish I could convey how confusing the whole situation is too. To have your spouse tell you that they feel bad about hurting you, but then turn around and say “i just don’t want to change because I’m lazy.” I honestly don’t think he understands what “feels bad” is actually supposed to feel like. That’s why I have suspected that something psychological or neurological might be blocking his ability to understand.
I read a couple of blog entries from what Sis linked and they were amazing. It helped me to see what reasons there could be for this behavior. It provided information on support groups too! I don’t have quite as much rejection as some of these women do, but the most troubling is the lack of being treated like a woman, lover, confidant, a desirable thing to pursue. I’m just his friend.
I like what you said about just doing things and putting the reasons on the backburner. There are things that just need to get done. It doesn’t matter how it gets done, but it is what it is. I could really use some prayers for supernatural strength and endurance!
Again, thank you <3
Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
ORT-ORT-ORT-ORT!!!!!
Foreplay before marriage? Did I read that right.