Some men aren’t interested in sex with their wives because they’d rather have a mom than a wife. (This isn’t an issue for us, but I know many couples deal with it.) Not only does he not supply her sexual needs, he is probably expecting her to do all the leading in the home too, just like mother would. You can’t change your husband, you can only change yourself, but there are some tools you can use to encourage him into his natural position as a masculine man and strong leader of the home.
1. Pray, God can do all things
2. Don’t dress like his mom! Don’t shop at the same stores she does, find your own style and bravely re-invent yourself as a classy, sexier woman than his mother. If she’s preppy, go hippy; be different! Don’t have the same haircut as her.
3. In your interactions with him, don’t boss him like a mother would, don’t nag him, don’t care about what he is doing. Your job as a wife, is to entertain him, touch him, cook him supper, keep the home clean, and take care of the kids. When you look at him, make it a sly smile with a “come hither” glint in your eye. Keep things playful, sexual, and light between the two of you.
4. Just because he isn’t doing a job (like the finances)doesn’t mean you need to take it over. If you want him to do a job you have to first stop doing it, then you need to have the patience of a turtle, I’m talking several months to years patience for some things. Tell him once, maybe twice what you would like him to do, then let natural consequences speak for themselves. He might get late notices all the time on bills, he might not pay off the credit card bill. You are not his mother so if you want him to grow up let him suffer his own consequences and don’t nag him. If he gets upset, sympathize with him but no “I told you so”. Patience is a powerful weapon that gets too little credit.
5. Be gentle and kind with him; I’m not just saying this. This is huge, ARE you gentle and kind? Watch your words and actions and if they are not gentle and kind, change.
6. Don’t be happy and content all of the time, most husbands have a strong need to make their wife happy. So if you’re not happy with him, don’t show it, don’t be mad and rude, just don’t reward him with happiness if he isn’t doing anything for it.
7. Find things he does that you DO appreciate, look hard, there’s got to be something. Maybe he sends you an email everyday, maybe he’s always on time for supper, maybe he mows the yard. When he acts like a responsible man, admire his manliness, gush over his muscles, his intelligence, his self-discipline. Make him feel like a man.
8. If he ever gets the courage to make a decision on his own, agree with him. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s a good idea, your goal is to get him to be a leader so let him make decisions and don’t criticize them or disagree. If it’s a bad idea, there will be consequences and that’s okay, that’s how he grows stronger. Being right is not as important as making him feel like a man. You want to win the war, not the little battles and for you to win, he has to win.
9. If he asks your opinion on something he should be deciding, say “I don’t know” or say “I think you know better about this than me” or “I don’t care as much about this as you do, I think you should decide”.
10.. Sex initiation. This is a tricky one and I’m sure there are several different answers out there, so I’m going to tell you what worked for me, and it might or might not work for you. We started with him initiating about 95% of the time and me 5%, he was unhappy so we switched, I did 2 years of crazy initiation where I initiated almost every night (maybe 70% of the time), and by initiating I mean strip tease right in front of him, naked lap dances, jumping on him while he was lying in bed and kissing him all over. There was no doubt left in his brain when I finished that I desired him, I wanted him, and I loved having sex with him. Then after two years, I said “it’s your turn, I want a traditional marriage where the man initiates and the woman gets to respond, I will not reject you, I want you, I just need you to take over in this area of our lives”. I still initiate sometimes, but he is the main initiator now and I make sure the sex isn’t boring. (him 80%, me 20%)
9. Be more fun and less responsible.
10. Gently guide him towards behaving more manly and responsible by admiring him when he does things you like, or by admiring other men when you talk to him. Subtly plant seeds in his head of what a wonderful marriage looks like, what makes him a wonderful man, and your high hopes for the future and for him. He might not have confidence in himself yet, but if you believe in him and that he can do anything, he will slowly start to believe it himself.
11. While you wait for him to get his act together don’t neglect yourself, your appearance, your goals. Find something you’re passionate about outside of your marriage and family, something that gives you joy and makes you sparkle.
*Depression or Low Testosterone may be effecting his sex desire, these are problems and he needs to get them taken care of or looked at if it is a possibility.