Some men aren’t interested in sex with their wives because they’d rather have a mom than a wife. (This isn’t an issue for us, but I know many couples deal with it.) Not only does he not supply her sexual needs, he is probably expecting her to do all the leading in the home too, just like mother would. You can’t change your husband, you can only change yourself, but there are some tools you can use to encourage him into his natural position as a masculine man and strong leader of the home.
1. Pray, God can do all things
2. Don’t dress like his mom! Don’t shop at the same stores she does, find your own style and bravely re-invent yourself as a classy, sexier woman than his mother. If she’s preppy, go hippy; be different! Don’t have the same haircut as her.
3. In your interactions with him, don’t boss him like a mother would, don’t nag him, don’t care about what he is doing. Your job as a wife, is to entertain him, touch him, cook him supper, keep the home clean, and take care of the kids. When you look at him, make it a sly smile with a “come hither” glint in your eye. Keep things playful, sexual, and light between the two of you.
4. Just because he isn’t doing a job (like the finances)doesn’t mean you need to take it over. If you want him to do a job you have to first stop doing it, then you need to have the patience of a turtle, I’m talking several months to years patience for some things. Tell him once, maybe twice what you would like him to do, then let natural consequences speak for themselves. He might get late notices all the time on bills, he might not pay off the credit card bill. You are not his mother so if you want him to grow up let him suffer his own consequences and don’t nag him. If he gets upset, sympathize with him but no “I told you so”. Patience is a powerful weapon that gets too little credit.
5. Be gentle and kind with him; I’m not just saying this. This is huge, ARE you gentle and kind? Watch your words and actions and if they are not gentle and kind, change.
6. Don’t be happy and content all of the time, most husbands have a strong need to make their wife happy. So if you’re not happy with him, don’t show it, don’t be mad and rude, just don’t reward him with happiness if he isn’t doing anything for it.
7. Find things he does that you DO appreciate, look hard, there’s got to be something. Maybe he sends you an email everyday, maybe he’s always on time for supper, maybe he mows the yard. When he acts like a responsible man, admire his manliness, gush over his muscles, his intelligence, his self-discipline. Make him feel like a man.
8. If he ever gets the courage to make a decision on his own, agree with him. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s a good idea, your goal is to get him to be a leader so let him make decisions and don’t criticize them or disagree. If it’s a bad idea, there will be consequences and that’s okay, that’s how he grows stronger. Being right is not as important as making him feel like a man. You want to win the war, not the little battles and for you to win, he has to win.
9. If he asks your opinion on something he should be deciding, say “I don’t know” or say “I think you know better about this than me” or “I don’t care as much about this as you do, I think you should decide”.
10.. Sex initiation. This is a tricky one and I’m sure there are several different answers out there, so I’m going to tell you what worked for me, and it might or might not work for you. We started with him initiating about 95% of the time and me 5%, he was unhappy so we switched, I did 2 years of crazy initiation where I initiated almost every night (maybe 70% of the time), and by initiating I mean strip tease right in front of him, naked lap dances, jumping on him while he was lying in bed and kissing him all over. There was no doubt left in his brain when I finished that I desired him, I wanted him, and I loved having sex with him. Then after two years, I said “it’s your turn, I want a traditional marriage where the man initiates and the woman gets to respond, I will not reject you, I want you, I just need you to take over in this area of our lives”. I still initiate sometimes, but he is the main initiator now and I make sure the sex isn’t boring. (him 80%, me 20%)
9. Be more fun and less responsible.
10. Gently guide him towards behaving more manly and responsible by admiring him when he does things you like, or by admiring other men when you talk to him. Subtly plant seeds in his head of what a wonderful marriage looks like, what makes him a wonderful man, and your high hopes for the future and for him. He might not have confidence in himself yet, but if you believe in him and that he can do anything, he will slowly start to believe it himself.
11. While you wait for him to get his act together don’t neglect yourself, your appearance, your goals. Find something you’re passionate about outside of your marriage and family, something that gives you joy and makes you sparkle.
*Depression or Low Testosterone may be effecting his sex desire, these are problems and he needs to get them taken care of or looked at if it is a possibility.
Tagged: Christian Marriage, Christian Sex, difficult marriage, Pleasing Your Husband, refused wife, Relationships
Your posts are so helpful!
Thank you!
Great post! As a man, a son and a husband, I thank you.
you’re welcome!
Amazing post! You have some amazing insight and great advice
thank you, adding you to my blogroll today!
Good stuff!
Thank you!
I like it Sis! I like the part about not over playing the happy – that drives my husband bonkers. He’s like “could I have my wife back please?” He appreciates my contented ness but he knows I’m a bit edgy and that I get too exhausted for all the other good stuff if I spend all my energy on that. A man likes what he likes but I don’t know one who likes a phony – you can only keep up the act for so long.
It took me forever to figure that one out.
Sis! Did you change your theme/template or get another blog? I almost didn’t know you anymore! I think we’ve been taught to complete a man’s weakness that sometimes we just can’t have fun. Knowing what a man likes is no easy task, I tell you. Watching my parents and couples that I know sometimes inspires me to be that superwoman. But I’m worried I’d get worn out by the time I’m done being super. Amazing post, BTW
it’s still me, I can’t resist re-decorating although it probably hurts my viewership some. Yes, these posts I write that are filled with rules can be intimidating. Be willing to forgive yourself and give yourself grace should be added to that list, shouldn’t it.
ummmmm….???
Changing your template hurts readership?
I remember seeing something like that from a TMB someone or other many topics ago. Is there a new way of bookmarking I am not aware of? Do people go to a bookmark then say, “Oh. That’s not where I was.” if it looks a little different?
That’s kinda weird.
No, I think it’s just because they don’t recognize it.
My faith in the human condition ebbs and flows…
We are all sinners…stupid and worthless
But made for a purpose.
Reblogged this on By the Mighty Mumford and commented:
VERY GOOD ADVICE—(IS THAT GAL AVAILABLE?)–Jonathan
[...] Posted on March 22, 2013 by ar10308 In my church small group on Monday, we were discussing Genesis 4. My small group consists of 3 married couples, each in their late 20s/early 30s with 2 children and myself. In Genesis 4, Cain’s wife isn’t given a name. She was referred to as “Cain’s wife”. We were discussing this passage in my small group and the Churchian wives became offended when one of the husbands refered to his wife as “Wife of John” (his name is changed to protect the Alpha move). When I asked why she didn’t consider the title to be a position of honor, she stammered out that it “Just sounds so Old Testament…” as if that validated why she didn’t like it. I let the matter drop since she certainly couldn’t explain herself and didn’t even use the phrase “wife of insert-man-here” for the rest of the evening (I didn’t want to overuse the neg), but I will hold on to it for future occasional use. As Sis has pointed out in her recent blog, the husband’s responsibility is to initiate sex with his wife. When the wife refuses his advances, she not only violates New Testament orders but falls directly into the sin and curse of Eve by denying that it is her husband’s authority and responsibility to do such things. She is downright preventing him from doing what God has commanded. It truly is an attempt to turn a husband’s honor, responsibility and privilege into a weapon to use to manipulate and coerce him. “And you shall desire to control your husband and he shall rule over you.” http://passionatechristianmarriage.wordpress.com/2013/03/17/when-hed-rather-have-a-mom-than-a-wife/ [...]
[...] Delightful~ When He’d Rather Have a Mom than a Wife [...]